Wow! I have been away so long. It is amazing how you can try and try to get to a task and yet not achieve it. This weekend I had such plans. I did have a nice weekend so I guess that is the important part. And I did clean and organize a closet in my house.
I cannot believe tomorrow is Wednesday already. I am training 3 new hires this week. It is a task indeed! At least the time is flying. I cannot even fathom how buried my desk will be by the time I get back to my day to day tasks.
Had a birthday party for a friend today. She didn't show but the rest of us had a good time. I hope she is all right. The daughter of her partner is making the accusation against a neighbor. The kind of accusation that gives a parent nightmares. I love how life keeps you on your toes. I am blessed that my crises are less severe.
I had a strange moment of clarity this weekend about my past relationships and a common thread with the level of sexual activity.
I lost my virginity to J. It wasn't the moment of sweetness, the dreams of romance novels that one would hope it could be. On the other hand it wasn't a nightmare either. I really don't recall many of the details. I think it was on the living room floor in his apartment while the mother was out. It was a rough time in my life and I ran away after getting my permit and having a close, personal breakfast with my dear father. I stayed for days; sleeping with my "knight in shining armor", hanging with my best friend and company, having sex whenever I could.
I remember how that time came to an end once my hideout was discovered. My present as I was leaving was a note from J that he needed to break up with me because all I was interested in was sex! Of course that was my only interest. It was a closeness with another being that I was missing in my life and a focus that awakened new parts of me, I use the term pleasure lightly but I don't recall it as unpleasant either.
Not that I am going to recall each and every sexual partner I have had over the years but the highlights that made me think this weekend.
A few years later I met A, or Havok, or J. I will never know what information of his was true, what was false. He was/is the love of my life in a lot of ways. Not that the relationship was the best it could have been but I like the feelings awaken with him. I would definitely mark it as a turning point. We were animals, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Roleplaying, public displays, night after night of sleepless lust. There was a time when we visited his mother's house. We slept the whole trip in a single bed and being in his mother's house did nothing to douse the desire we had for one another. That part of the trip was great for us both, or so I thought. I recall later when A went to visit his mother again and I wasn't invited. This was nearer to the end of our relationship. I really pushed the issue as I was dependent on his attention and would dearly miss him. He said that his mother hadn't wanted me to come again as all I did was stay in bed and have sex. It seems to me it takes two to tangle and he didn't stand up for me. Again the same message, I let sex run my relationship.
Then came C, or Valor, rebound relationship in retrospect but what I needed at the time. The thing I really cherish about my relationship with C is that he was the kind of person I felt like I was on the inside, only on his outside. The dark goth with the exotic tastes. It was almost the reverse with C. Of course he wasn't an experienced lay and I don't think that he was ever completely attracted to me. Sex was mediocre at best. For us the problem was my lack of interest. It was always such a big deal to him if I didn't want to copulate. I guess I was on the other side of the fence this time around. I remember how a major part of my depression was that he found someone that he didn't Have to have sex with. I asked him why in a desperate plea that she was different. He said he guessed that was how he knew she was the one. Whatever.
Now I have my current ex I guess. Hot and heavy in the beginning like any good partnering. I thought I had found my match until he told me he would have sex 4 times a week if he could have sex as much as he possibly wanted. Sigh. Over the years it has been an issue of why sex is so god damn important to me, why do I have to have it all the time? I have slowly watched as my sexual soul as been faded out. Afraid to make come ons and hidden in the body I hate I have shriveled up. I cannot help but think how all these past experiences have led to today. Well duh! of course the past made me the person I am but in a very particular way these have all affected me.
Maybe that is why I haven't found "the one', even if only for the time. Maybe I have created this shell around me that can only appreciate the physical, sexual closeness and not the other. This in no way means that I think that past people were it and I alone had the problems but... There isn't too much to say on that because I don't want to live in the past.
It is hurtful because I feel like I can express so much through my physical appetite. I mean I used to proudly say that I could orgasm at the drop of a dime. But I guess that brought me another kind of attention that led to me crying in the kitchen one night wondering what the hell I was thinking. I am sure I had more to say that maybe made more sense but I have been pondering this for days and now I am writing while very tired.
-Sweet dreams