I guess it is the
I guess it is the desire to escape my work. Once I am settled into it and I can see the progress as my desk becomes clear I don't have a love for the work I do. Therefore at every possible moment I want to use it as free time to write something clever or daring.
Last night I followed a link to an incredible blog. I now feel the need to revisit and read every word. I am not sure why. I guess I like to find things to knock myself down over. I waste an extraordinary amount of time doing that.
I have been trying to fight for months the desire to just run away. I don't know where or how far but I just want to run. Leave behind work, family, friends, and make a new life. At the same time I want to be able to return to this point and time in my life with the wisdom and clarity that 6 months away would give me.
One precious little face smiling at me keeps me grounded here. I could never reclaim those moments with my son so I trudge on. I try to find the little things daily that improve our life together. I guess I have a fear of being overwhelmed by the history of my biological grandmother and my mother. Constantly running in fear that everything is a sign that I will end like them.
I was really pondering that on my drive home. How one of the the things that really can iritate me about my mother is her ability to talk and talk without really getting anywhere. I feel that way a lot these last few years. I try to console myself that it is just lack of time and sleep. Some day the future will tell.