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In memory of "Hark! There goes my father!"
I had more that I wanted to write but my time is up. Although I could almost definitely continue unnoticed I choose to toe the line... Tow the line?
I have news.... My friend Rudy should be in town this evening. What a pleasant surprise.
I think I wanted to say more about an interaction I had with Scott but I will have to pass until later.
I had an out of body experience last night in the best and worst way.
I took off work early and headed to the coast, I mostly say coast here in Oregon as beach doesn't quit describe the scene. It was a very pleasant time with my sister Pamela, my son and my nephew Javier.
Just so I do not forget - I am always amazed at how close I feel to Pamela. In her younger years I wanted to be the older sister that she looked up to and confided in. At the time it probably mattered most for her it couldn't happen but in the time that matters most to me it is happening.
Even as our trip to New York last October spelled out our differences exactly we still have an incredibly strong bond. Hell, even as our conversation last week showed the differences it does not make much of a difference as I know she is pure of heart.
I cannot really recall the conversation or why it took so much participation but as I was driving home in the dark from Lincoln City we were deep in conversation.
I remember having to pass a car and then having to get back in the right lane immediately after so as not to miss the junction back to Salem. I remember at different times trying to tell myself to stay more focused on the road and the cars around me but I immediately kept coming back to the conversation I was having. Suddenly I see a sign... A road sign that is! It beckons me "Now entering Tillamook County" In that instant I am aware of how much I have been driving on autopilot. I do not recall ever seeing that sign before on previous trips. I cannot imagine how I could have taken a wrong turn as I was driving so effortlessly. As I begin freaking out and driving I keep wondering if I need to turn around and go back or if I am just noticing something I have never noticed before. I drive on very skeptically and nothing seems familiar. I am unsure how far I should continue driving. I am suddenly completely at a loss for what road I should be on or what direction I am traveling. The whole time Pamela is trying to recount what we have passed and what turns I did or didn't take.
The sensory explosion is too much for me. I can only drive so much further because now my body is in panic mode. For what reason I cannot really surmise because I know how to drive to Tillamook and I will not run out of gas and I will get home in one piece, albeit later than desired.
I do not imagine that we drove more than a mile or two and I cannot take it anymore. I have to turn around and look for a sign or landmark to clear my head.
As we drive back towards wherever I realize nothing in the surroundings is familiar to me. I keep searching and searching wondering where in the world I am. The drive is never ending and I am freaking out on new levels, although I have to freak quietly as I am driving with children asleep in the back and my sister who doesn't know where or how we are where we are.
I suddenly pass the town of Otis! Yay, I know I have to pass through Otis to get to the beach but I suddenly wonder if I am still approaching from another direction. If any of you know Otis, you would see this shouldn't have been a problem to even consider.
I end up driving all the way back to Lincoln City. How far I traveled I have no real idea. In a way I have never experienced before every sign, building, tree is popping out at me and yet nothing seems familiar.
We land far enough into Lincoln City for me to know where I am and we start making our way back. As we come to the Salem junction I am fully aware and fearful. Did some strange trick of time and energy move me to a new world? I compete with myself over whether or not I have seen this building or that sign.
Pamela has now entered my conundrum and is swearing that this or that is or is not familiar. She believes that I never made the switch back into the right lane after passing the vehicle and for a long time I believe that is possibly true. Only once we pass a glowing Pepsi sign do I realize I was just sleepwalking through my drive home. It is not a dream or a warp or cliche in my psyche... I was just dead to the environment around me. I can so clearly see in all of this the bigger picture of mental clarity, of wakeful mindfulness. I feel spiritually open and yet unprepared for what lies ahead.
Ok, so I had to take a moment from my revelry and actually eat the Fritos I discovered before my stomach revolted any further against me.
Sometimes the order in which an event happens can mess with ones mind.
We are enjoying a much slower work volume lately. Well a lot of the group is. I am buried in backlog so deep I am devastated. I need to put in the extra time on the weekend but every Saturday when I awake to the prospect of leaving Elijah with a sleeping father to watch the day slip away I cannot move forward.
As it has been slow my supervisor has been sending anywhere from 1 to 4 people home early. He made a list and constantly rotates who gets to go. He offered me a half day on Friday but I need the income. We decided at that time that he would no longer offer my time off but I was welcome to request it when I saw we were slow. How quickly he forgets as he tries to offer me yesterday off. It became more of an offer and was practically a demand by the time it reached my ears. I called him at home and explained that I wished to stay as I had an outing to the coast planned for today after work but would gladly appreciate getting a head start on my evening at the coast. It was with giddy excitement that I called my sister with the news and headed into work.
How quickly excitement fades as I realize that not one, not two, but three of my coworkers have called in sick. Sick of work, sick of air conditioning, sick of responsibility? I am easily irritated. I know that two of the 3 are not sick. Past experience tells me so. So be it. I will still get to the coast one way or another, perhaps... Perhaps just not in the time frame I thought.
I love the word perhaps. It wasn't until this moment when I just let it flow from my fingers that I remembered the way my heart beats when I hear it faintly in my head.
My love affair with orange is blooming excessively. It first started with this wonderous orange and green soft pouch that I obtained years ago. As I look around my desk at work I see my orange coin bank, my orange plastic cup, and my orange balloon left over from the 14th. I truely enjoy the color.
Ok, I am off to look at coastal temeratures and drive times.
I just found the Fritos from my lunch yesterday that I decided to save. I completely spaced them. WAAAAHOOO!
It is always a good lunch when I start off with an updated blog to read! It only drives home what others might experience when I have not updated. I can barely wait for a new insight, joke, thought or experience from my dear friends.
Very interesting about the Sear's philosophy with regard to no separation between mother and child. I know there are those that do that but I cannot imagine how hard life would be without some time to myself.
Oh and Elle... I thought you said you did get to hear the heartbeat on Friday. I am sorry you have to wait that much longer.
I was planning on outing to the coast tonight after work but will have to wait until tomorrow as I completely spaced my Tuesday outings. I am glad my sister was understanding.
Today I feel like rambling... My thoughts to not want to stay in any sort of order.
This weekend Scott made a passing comment about getting a place where he could get a puppy so Elijah could grow up with a dog. It was like a stab in the heart and yet it is so obviously true. I dread the rollercoaster of emotion that will come with moving into my new place. Why do I dread my own self so much? Pain sucks.
I am starving. I have a bagged salad mix for lunch. I meant to bring cottage cheese but I forgot at the last minute. Lettuce for lunch is just not appetizing. I could have oatmeal again and I might if I don't have enough change to buy something crunchy to go with my ensalada.
My fingers hurt...
What a wonderful weekend this turned out to be. Nothing out of the ordinary really with one exception. I enjoyed more time to myself than I have seen in a while.
On Friday the outing with my sister. Saturday I stayed up rather than napping with Elijah and enjoyed a leisurely shower. I had time to exfoliate, mosturize, and primp. I can see how it could become a wonderful ritual to massage my body in phases, knowing with each stroke that I am taking loving care of the outside of my being. Now is the coming time of the year to focus on the quiet ritual of healing my inside. I also took time on Saturday to lift some weights. Nothing much but every repetition strengthens my soul.
Saturday evening I went to Dallas to meet with my pagan group. It was a nonchalant evening of catching up and discussing divination and meditation. I hope to move full fledged into the area of meditation. It is interesting how even the smallest gesture spread out over time makes me feel as if I am accomplishing something unspeakable but great.
Our group is setting in motion our plans for Samhain. It will be another open celebration and I look forward more than I can say.
Today I napped in the heat... What a overwhelming, somewhat horrible feeling to wake rested but drained of all energy and fluids.
A discussion of Anne Rice came up last night and I returned home to find that I have a copy of The Mummy. I have started reading it and I am finding it an exciting read.
It is much too late to stil be awake but the heat of the house is almost unbearable.
Tonight has put me in a strange mood... I was about to say contemplative but that is not the right sentiment. I had a very pleasant evening. I was about ready to turn in when I remembered that I wanted to share a strange occurance. One of my three sisters, Pamela took me out tonight. At first we walked around at Riverfront park, The Bite of Salem was taking place. It was quiet a sad pathetic food festival but it was entertaining the masses. We strolled from one end of the park to another and back again. At the park I got my first vision of the finished Eco-Earth or whatever it is called. There is was a large acid ball from a paper mill that was converted into a wonderful art project. One of the main contributors to the project was a friend from work at Ashton photo, his name is Jule and he was cool. He is a geographer by way of education but I knew him as a night janitor and I believe he worked for the state.
I can tell my thoughts and you reading this will suffer as I am too tired to make my imagination jump to life but I have to get some of this out or it will never be.
Sitting at home after my evening I realized that walking with Pamela made me think of all the walks I have passed up with Nicole before she moved away. I would do anything to be able to walk with you whenever the urge arose.
My mind was constantly preoccupied with new about the banana family... I wonder what the silence means.
For dinner I went to Kwan's and thought of Oregon East as I munched on sweet and sour tofu.
Allen, I thought of you today. I discussed your birthday with my sister. I found it odd that I remember your birthdate but not your age.
During dinner Pamela and I talked about her frustrations with her life right now. It was nice to hear her say that she feels she can talk to me about anything. I learned that little things I thought were public knowledge are quite the contrary. I am glad I know to keep a secret.
Dinner made me realize how selfish I was during our trip to NY. She recalls so much fondly while I often say I wouldn't take her again. I know I have changed my mind. She told me tonight that the trip to NY made her realize something so simple. She doesn't have to wash a towel every single time she uses it. She can give it one or two uses, I am sure there are many that would disagree but I will sleep better knowing that I gave her something to ponder.
At the end of our meal I opened my fortune cookie and found..........? Any guesses? No?
I found no fortune, not even an empty slip of paper. I am sure it happens but I cannot recall the last time it happened to me. I asked Pamela to hurriedly open hers so I could see if it was a fluke or a new fashion.
Her fortune reads "Time makes one wise. Ask advice from someone older than you." Did they insert that in the kitchen? How serendipitous!
We had dessert at the
Konditorei. Yummy! Everything is a reminder of some other time or place. Cakes from Konditorei make me think of The Breez, potato salad and Anne.
And of course as with a new car. You buy a Volkswagon and the next thing you know everywhere you look, here a Bug, there a Bug, everywhere a Bug. Only in my world everywhere I turn are little round bellys with life at work.
It was weighing heavily on my mind last night that I have become severly irresponsible. Irresponsible about my self, my bills, my money, my son... If you name it I have been irresponsible about it. I have always had some tendency towards neglecting myself but this issue with the money and bills is driving me insane.
I found a couple bills and a bank statement buried in the couch last night... How do I let THAT happen? Everywhere I look there are bills. I bought a file box to sort important papers and put my bills in one place but I have nowhere that makes sense to place it so that I can utilize it. For one thing I think I am going to throw away any statement or bill of Scott's that isn't completey current. I think he has so much paperwork too that he just ignores it.
This revolving around monetary issues thing is bezerk (sp?) At least I can say I am very proud of myself for consolidating my credits cards. It has been tought without them to rely on but in another couple of years I will love it. I hope to buy a new car next year, 2005. I was hoping for 2004 but I will probably spend most of my money on a new place to live. I think I get a bonus this year.
I was going to write about something completely different and now I don't know what it was. How strange.
Oh yes...
I had a stressful night and didn't want to be at work today. I was told that I might have the possibility of working a half day. The time came and the option was offered to me but I cannot afford to take it off. I could use the time to myself but I could use a quiet afternoon to catch up at work too.
I cannot wait to hear about the banana news... I am dying in anticipation. How unfair that the news is already floating out there and the outcome is unknown on this coast. Well, someone might.
I got my time off approved for the trip to the East in November. I am so excited. I am so excited I don't even care that the plane ride might be horrible with the two munchkins :)
Janella, Janella, bananafanamonella, me my mo mella, Ja-nel-la!
It sounds better in my head :) It delights me that you get some enjoyment out of reading about my day to day.
I really hope I get to know you more in November. I felt such a connection with you during the wedding and I can hear your voice in my head.
I love your craftiness.
I am so excited that tomorrow is finally Friday. I cannot wait to hear about the little banana news.
I do not feel that I have much to say today. Actually I feel like I had a lot that I wanted to say and I have forgotten what it all could be.
I dreamt a lot of anxiety images. They weren't really bad dreams but just unpleasant possible scenarios. I dreamt that my house was overridden by cockroaches. I know that may be par for the course in certain areas of the world but in my home town of Salem, Oregon it isn't so much. I found one in my house a month or so ago. It was after a visit from my sister and I think it was hitchhiking. She lives out on the edge of a farm and has a lot of creatures and a lot of visitors too.
In the dream my house was disgustingly cluttered and the bugs were rearranging the kitchen.
I then dreamt that my sister Sarah and I were having a nightmare of a time making it from PDX to EWR. First we had to drive ourselves and pay to leave the car. Upon arriving at the counter we realized we were horribly late and I had left a car seat for my son in the car. We had an especially nice gentleman who made sure we weren't forgotten. I don't remember the details but we had another clash in the parking lot. It seems to me there was a bus load of tourists but I am not sure the reason or what caused the delay. We rushed through the airport and were able to get a board. It was during take off that I suddenly realized I had no place for my son to sit. I think there was more but that is all I can remember. I just can remember the feeling of constantly waking up and feeling so tense and disappointed. After a few moments I would calm down and find some detail to help me realize it was all a dream and then it would happen again. I also awoke to realize I had to use the restroom and I tried to go back to sleep but the dreams were filled with images of water and warmth. It is very interesting how your mind and body communicate. And how you can be partially aware of something that is happening subconsciously. I rather enjoy the sensation actually.
I was a complete bitch last night! As I mentioned I can feel the PMS creeping up on my and I try to control it but it got away from me. I have tried to surround myself with other people to keep me busy so I cannot get lazy, sleepy and even more irritable. I worry about lashing out at the person I see second most, my son.
We have tried 3 times now to plan an outing with local friends to celebrate my birthday. This is a luxury that they were extending to me and yet somehow along the line I have taken it as a right and was acting accordingly.
They have been cancelled mostly because my dear friend Dana is horribly ill and has been suffering in pain for a full month now. And for some reason Dana is a type of glue that holds us all together. When she cannot come we often just don't meet. Dana, I hope you know how truely true that statement is and how much I adore you. Penny and I were ocassionally successful at getting together with out Dana.
Last week the cancellations didn't bother me much, maybe a little because I was looking forward to time out and I had a sitter but I completely understood and went about my day. There were never any concrete plans for yesterday other then our long standing Tuesday get together. As I noted in the earlier blog, last week was a pleasant but low key celebration and I felt very much cherished.
In the methods of a child that doesn't know any better I sent an email to my friends asking if we were going out because I hadn't heard anything. Not just "are we getting together" but essentially "do I get to have cake today". I don't know what was going through my mind. I don't think I can do justice to the voices in my head arguing over whether to say anything or not but they were so at it and I just ignored them.
I don't want to air all of Dana's ailments but it appears they finally figured out she has gallstone and needs surgery. This was the news she learned yesterday and even with the added stress she was still going to try and make it. What a trooper! I am so blessed to have a friend that like. I was elated and looking forward to time out as it was hot and wanted to be preoccupied. Penny couldn't go of course and I started to feel really weird about the whole situation.
I got home and Dana called and wasn't feeling up to going out but was up to having company. At that point I lost it. I don't know where it all came from but the beast flared up.
Dana, I am so very sorry to the heart of my being. I knew it was horrible as it came spewing out but I couldn't stop it. This is not an excuse and I hope it doesn't diminish the apology. I am just trying to spell out for myself what the real root of the problem was.
It was everything tossed together... The continued cancellations, the heat, my desire for cake, PMS, stress over wishing you were better, ire at Penny not being able to come, realizing that Gloria comes just to see you, missing my friends, thinking of last year's birthday, hurt that my parents said we would celebrate last weekend and yet we never did, my sister Sarah never even acknowledging that she missed my birthday. I could list a million reasons but they all are adding up.
I am sorry I couldn't see beyond my own issues to just be there for you. I feel that I took advantage of your desire to fix things for your friends even though you have expressed that as one of your biggest weaknesses. And I am not just saying that because Michele called. And you two are so sweet to try and do something for me. I was too embarrassed to call you back.
I don't know where this is going... I am distracted by grief at work as I try to write this.
Please know that I am so thankful to have a friend like you, Dana. And I wish that I could say I wasn't aware of how awful my actions were. A large part of me did and I did it anyway. I was selfish.
I hope you are so much better soon...
So I watched most of two Angela Bassett films last night... Waiting to Exhale and How Stella Got Her Groove Back
Both movies I enjoyed immensley when I saw them in the theater however I am not sure they stood the test of time. I won't pass judgement completely on Waiting to Exhale because I did watch it in pieces and with a lot of background noise.
Angela is one of those women that I think is really incredibly beautiful. While watching the movie last night I was thinking how she didn't really fit the media image of what people strive for. Deep breath... I can already fill the mental break down as my mind tries to put out the words the seem so poignant in my mind.
I was just thinking that she was maybe too muscular for me, she seems that she cannot be very tall and she is really thick in the upper legs and the booty. The entire time I was conflicted with these thoughts of "damn she looks so good" to picking apart these things that I would want to change if it were my body. I cannot help but wonder how much I was influenced by watching the movie with my sister Pamela who really does subscribed to the canned notions of how we all should appear.
What is this fascination with actors on the stage and screen? It has been a sad let down to find out that a number of men I am attracted to on screen are shorter than I (5'9')
I have been pondering charisma for several months now. I haven't been in the presence of many actors/stars in my life. On a trip to New York in February I did pass by Bill Pullman. Now he is not a gentleman that I find particularly attractive. Or necessarily someone I feel the need to share with people that I was within a 2 foot radius but in the instant that my mind made the connection who I was seeing I felt an elevated sense of adrenaline or whatnot. In that instance I did not know if I was just too easily excited or if that feeling was maybe why he is an actor. Maybe he was exuding charisma in such a manner that I could just tune into it. I guess I cannot really find any more words to describe the encounter. It was just bizarre to me.
This is the typical monday blues often written about I think... I am longing for the weekend already. The day is creeping by and the weekend seems so distance.
Saturday I enjoyed breakfast with my father in the early morning. I miss him a lot even though he is relatively near. I guess seeing him in spurts give me more of a chance to focus on the positive. Even thought it is his weekend off, and he drove 4 hours to visit home, and was scheduled to move his house into storage he still took the time to work on my sister's car. He ensured that she had a way to get to work and that her car is safe. How impressive!
I originally started the day impressed that Scott had risen early but it quickly turned to ire as he left breakfast to visit an old acquaintance. He short stop over turned into an almost 2 hour outing during which time he didn't return any of my calls.
I had to escape the house at that point as the weather and my child were just miserable. I decided to make some light of the situation and took Elijah to the near by children's museum. We had a good time. It was warm but there was water to play in and the distraction was welcome.
I returned home to find Scott had returned as well. He let me in on a surprise he had for me. For a minute my heart sank as I realized how angry I was earlier in the day and yet he had been thinking of me. Thinking of me so fondly that he decided to surprise me by test driving a 2002 pickup truck to our house. Not because he had any intention of buying the truck but because he knew it would make me freak out!
The rest of Saturday was all right I suppose. Our house napped in the late afternoon heat and then we decided to have dinner guests. Originally scheduled were my parents but we wanted a small group and siblings were in the picture. We instead invited Ted and his wife Charlie. It was actually a nice time but odd as are all occurances where Scott and I tend to play happy family.
I watched Gangs of New York through partially open eyes. I was surprised that Cameron Diaz didn't annoy as much as I expected her too. My main thought at the end of the picture was that I remembered the riot of the film as told through the Burns documentary on NY. Thoughts of course float to my family afar and I am sad.
Yesterday was pretty good too! We drove to Vancouver to visit with Scott's coworker's family. They had a pool! We swam and visited and stayed for dinner. It was a fairly nice time but I was Elijah's babysitter while Scott played and we had to leave too early to beat the evening sun. The ride home was eventful as Elijah's carseat somehow came unbelted from the car and he fell on his side as we turned a sharp corner. Thankfully he was alright but incredibly frightening all the same.
When we arrived home we essentially passed out in the living room the 3 of us. At some point Elijah and I moved to the bedroom and suffered through the heat.
Tonight is expected to be the same.
I don't know why I have put such a negative spin on even the good stuff. I feel the effects of PMS settling heavy on my shoulder's this month.
Monday was divine, well mostly. The day started rough but worked out better than I could ever have imagined. It was strange as I had a completely flipped experience from past birthdays.
Usually once Nicole's birthday has passed in February I give a little countdown to myself as the months click by. Then the 4th of July passes and it is a hop, skip and a jump until I turn another year older. Usually the day is spend as normal with maybe a cake and ice cream gathering with my family. Once the actual event is noted all the anticipation slides away and I wonder what I was hoping for. Of course last year was special as I had all my dear family present.
This year was great. For one I got this blog a few days before the big day. I also received a gift from Scott early.
Monday started very roughly. I was returning from a 3 day weekend to a disaster at work but the tension easily slipped away as coworker's forwarded egreetings, my grandmother left a birthday message, my friend Dana sung the birthday song.
Of course the best part of all was a call from my dear Solomon! In his perfect way he made me feel special even as he wasn't quite sure he had the day right. I am so glad to be past those times before where my focus would have been that he hadn't known. As I sat catching up on where we were this week and what will happen in the future I was so content. Of course I could have chatted for hours but didn't need to.
Another nice aspect of the day was that Scott was thoughtful enough to call and say Happy Birthday even though he had given my a gift much earlier. It was really touching and unexpected. I think I got a call or a note from most everyone that is currently in my life.
Tuesday the birthday continued as coworkers decorated my desk and brought cheesecake. I should be finishing my birthday week on Sunday when we have had the traditional cake and ice cream with family.
I had no big expectations to disappoint and was rewarded with glee!
What is it about birthdays that cause so much emotional turmoil? I think even when birthdays are not extremely joyous or extremely depressing they tend to make one very comtemplative.
I don't have much of an opinion on turning 28 other than feeling that there is so much I haven't yet experienced and I feel that it may never happen the way I wish it would. As the news of a new baby in the family sinks in I am realizing my very conflicted views about wanting to have another child.
I really feel that I do want another child, I want to carry another child, I want to be pregnant and yet I don't know that I wish to raise another small person. I fight daily to focus on the positive that I provide for Elijah. I am amazed at how quickly the nine months flew by. The last third of my pregnancy was the best in terms of the emotional joy of having a child, physically I think the whole 9 months I could live without. I have a huge desire to have a fairy tale pregnancy. Not a very good reason for bringing another life into this world.
I often try to convince myself that I could do surrogacy for someone else. I truly think I would have no problems with that but I know that I would severly miss nursing the child I had given birth too.
Have I ever mentioned that I have an irrationally extreme fear of having a special needs child? I don't really know where that comes from. Sometimes I think it is the flip side of my discomfort with the elderly. I am fairly certain that stems from my grandparents running an adult care home. Although I suppose it is mainly just something selfish. I have a coworker who has a special needs son and I see how she is always running from her responsibility, so much so that she often leaves her teenage daughter to do the mothering. It must be very difficult for them all.
This weekend I was realizing that as much as I hoped that Scott and I could come to terms with our relationship, and have in a lot of ways, I don't think I could raise another child with him. I only hope that I will be a strong figure for Elijah to relate to. In the day to day it is easy to ignore but when important issues come up about physical discipline or enacted violence the clash is so loud and threatens to destroy.
Friday I had a nice day. I got my haircut, I bought some fingernail polish and other accessories to keep my nails clean and nice. I had an avocado delight, mini, at Big Town Hero. I searched for athletic shoes and even though the adventure wasn't fruitful I did enjoy the hunt. It isn't often that I am looking for shoes without some kind of pressure. I could almost see how shopping is theraputic for some people. As planned I did spend the majority of my day at Border's. I tried to be logical and realize that I didn't have to spend the money on something right away but as I looked around and my thoughts wandered to purchases I could make for others I realized I needed to stay focused on myself. I looked at countless cookbooks, diet books, I racked my brain to remember all the things I always think I need or want but came up mostly empty.
As normal I searched for Henry Rollins in the spoken word section to no avail. It appears to only be available on DVD and they were special order. I left with a pagan book I am reading with another friend, an exercise video and a Dorothy Parker anthology. I have decided to return the Dorothy Parker and pick up Fame on DVD as I can always look for Ms. Parker at used book stores.
I picked up my soy chai at the Coffee House Cafe and it was divine. Seriously! The trip also bought unexpected rewards as an acquaintance's photo display was proudly hanging on the walls as it was many months ago when I visited the cafe. They are wonderful snapshots of Colombianos. But what caught my attention was the familiar face of one of the great fantasy loves I have. Ricardo....
Saturday, Melissa came over. I watched her children so she could enjoy some time out on her birthday. She is 20 this year. Amazing! It was a pleasant afternoon as the children were wonderfully good natured. The only thing I could have wished for would have been for Elijah to remain sleeping. Three children together is very overwhelming for me.
In the late evening Scott took Elijah shopping and I had time to myself. I watched Globe Trekkers on PBS, they were in Chile. I had a nice long shower, I exfoliated my elbows, knees, feet and chest. I massaged special lotions for each part of my body and I washed my face. I painted my toenails and read a magazine. I stayed up late but not too late finishing a trashy novel. The day was productive too. I cleaned my room, mostly consisting of putting away laundry which I constantly let pile up. I picked up the living room so it wasn't a dive when the niece and nephew arrived.
Probably my biggest accomplishment of the weekend was to try to quit smoking. It has been a really rough two days, all mental, but worth it as I sit here tonight with smug pride in myself.
This morning I painted my fingernails. I am not sure how I managed with Elijah but I did. I followed all the supposed rules. Base coat, polish, and top coat all finished without any major smudges and yet the first time I wet my hands the chipping starts. It looks like tomorrow evening I will be removing it. Sigh... I am just not cut out for this supposed feminie beauty routine. I can barely hold back the tears.... Not!
I do have to add that while trying to stop smoking I am drinking more soda but I am sure that will fade over the work week.
I feel like I had so much more to say... Oh yes! I cleaned my kitchen too. I feel so on top of everything. And I like the exercise tape I purchased. It is exactly what I was looking for in terms of simplicity. It will be nice when I am familiar with the routine and can pump in my own music. The host has one of the most amazing bodies I have ever seen. She isn't too annoying but she does talk way too loud.
Well it is 11:15, I am waiting on the last load of laundry to finish and then off to bed. It is my goal to try and hit the hay by 10:30 every night this week and see how I feel. I took a nap today and it was extremely glorious.
Ciao
Today I am headed off for a day with myself. I would have in theory liked to have started out the day doing yoga but I barely wanted to get myself out of bed. As I lay in bed at 7 am this morning I actually considered scrapping my day off to myself and letting Elijah sleep. Now that I have the day ahead of me I know how silly that would be.
I am already showered, eaten and alert so I think I will do the yoga right before I have to pick up my son, however I am going to try to do some sitting before I go back out.
I plan to spend the majority of my time today at Border's, cashing in a gift certificate. I am excited at the prospect of attaining something I really truely desire today, a gigantic iced chai!
Hasta la proxima
I would someday like to solve the mystery of why I am so emotional. Not just easily upset but so deeply moved at the core of my being about the simplest of things. Take Elvis for instance... I miss him like I lost a friend.
You have been in my life for nearly 14 years. That's half of my life. In just a few more years, you will have been in my life for most of my life. Already I can hardly remember what life was like before you were a part of it.
It's been 5 years since we last lived less than 3,000 miles apart, but your as much a part of my life as you've always been. Not a day goes by without at least a stray thought of you crossing my mind, and most of the time it's more than that. I think of you the most in the morning, when I'm most alert and you are still sleeping.
I've seen you struggling these past few months, and I know it's been difficult for you. But as much as a pain in the ass a struggle is, at least it means one thing: your still making an effort to better your life. If you weren't, you wouldn't struggle. I will now make a very American statement: All that hard work will pay off for you in the end. I wish I could give you the confidence that I have in you so you would know what it was like to believe in yourself the way I believe in you.
I would like to be hugging you for your birthday. I'd like to be seeing your face light up when you look at Elijah or to see your face sour at something someone said. Good or bad, it's all the same to me. I just miss you.
Instead, I made this blog for you. I was going to make you images and put up some pictures of Elijah, but the hard drive incident dictates that such things will have to occur at a later time.
I love you.
A new banana! What a strange thing to be writing this today. I know I am copying so many others but it just fits. Happy! Happy! Dancing today.
A new life begins...
Today I am at work sort of twiddling my fingers. It is a slow day but someone has to be here to cover what calls might drift in. This morning I had a pleasant surprise as Xander called to send his wishes of love. Oh how I want to hug him tight!
I see one of the true loves of my life has a blog now too. I need that way to connect and yet my ego gets in the way. It wants to remain distant and find reasons to pick on me! I will not allow it! I won't let my self sabatoge ruin the energy I can get from Elle's snippets...
Today is sunny! I almost feel sunny myself.
I stayed up way too late last night reading a trashy book. I woke up refreshed though and enjoyed a sunny morning with my munckin.
So I had a very strange occurance today... I was shopping at Winco and I ran into a coworker. She is someone that I really enjoy talking to so we stood in aisle and talked for what must have neared 30 minutes. While we were waiting I see this man walking towards our section of the store. He is instantly familiar to me, I can feel my body responding in an eager way. I realize in the split second as I am smiling in his direction that it is my boyfriend from the seventh grade. And strangely enough he still looks about exactly the same as he did 15 years ago. In fact the only thing that has changed is the increase in facial hair and he looks like he has lost weight. It was so weird to see such a long time past part of my life flash in front of my face. Even his dress was a more current version of the skater clothes from the late 80's. He had a small child with him who may or may not have been his son. There was recognition on both our parts and in my curious way I was suddenly very aware of my surroundings and instantly uncomfortable.
In the seventh grade I was best friends with Amy... Actually as I write this I think it may have been the eighth grade going into the 9th.
Anyway I remember that was at an especially awkward time in my developement. I wouldn't eat in the presence of a male other than family. It was strange to be around my boyfriend all the time and yet not be because I was there to see Amy. I remember the pounding of my heart, the increased moisture in my mouth, my palms, and my sex. I have fond memories of sneaking a few moments in the front hall with his hands in my blouse, down my pants. Groping as long as we could without drawing attention to ourselves. I remember the constant watchful eyes if I stayed the night. Nothing ever did happen on those occasions.
Three instances that stick out in my mind are making cookies, breaking the couch and losing part of my handprint.
Cookies revolved around my obsessive need not to be seen consuming food... Which by the way I have some interesting observations that I will share with the FoodSchmood blog.
I was eating cookies as the group of boys returned to the house. I instantly threw my partially eaten cookie across the room where it proceeded to land in the cookie jar.
Chris and I broke the couch one time when I was visiting on the sly. We were sitting next to one another on the couch when he decided he wanted me in his lap. He playfully tried to pull me over but I ended up almost standing up in my insecurity that I might be too heavy and the extra struggle and pressure made one of the legs fall off the couch. I don't really recall the outcome at this point.
And lastly one night I was leaving the house and Chris leaned out his bedroom window for a kiss. At the sound of someone coming hear his door I ran away through the yard and skipped over a ditch. I fell and scraped my palm severely and to this day I can still see where the flow of my fingerprints has been interrupted by the scarring tissue.
I liked those times in my life. I guess probably because the edgeful way I played with my sexuality kept the pain of real life from creeping in. I wonder where I learned to be so forward with my sex though. I don't know that I mean that the way it sounds. It is difficult for me to fight the urge to constantly want to delete something I have written and start again but I would never get anywhere if I did that.
Today I was extremely disappointed when I accidentally put my Susan B Anthony dollar in the vending machine. I couldn't figure out why the machine kept spitting out my dime. I finally realized that I had entered a dollar coin and was so sad to realize that the machine would give back 4 quarters instead of my coin.