Birthdays
What is it about birthdays that cause so much emotional turmoil? I think even when birthdays are not extremely joyous or extremely depressing they tend to make one very comtemplative.
I don't have much of an opinion on turning 28 other than feeling that there is so much I haven't yet experienced and I feel that it may never happen the way I wish it would. As the news of a new baby in the family sinks in I am realizing my very conflicted views about wanting to have another child.
I really feel that I do want another child, I want to carry another child, I want to be pregnant and yet I don't know that I wish to raise another small person. I fight daily to focus on the positive that I provide for Elijah. I am amazed at how quickly the nine months flew by. The last third of my pregnancy was the best in terms of the emotional joy of having a child, physically I think the whole 9 months I could live without. I have a huge desire to have a fairy tale pregnancy. Not a very good reason for bringing another life into this world.
I often try to convince myself that I could do surrogacy for someone else. I truly think I would have no problems with that but I know that I would severly miss nursing the child I had given birth too.
Have I ever mentioned that I have an irrationally extreme fear of having a special needs child? I don't really know where that comes from. Sometimes I think it is the flip side of my discomfort with the elderly. I am fairly certain that stems from my grandparents running an adult care home. Although I suppose it is mainly just something selfish. I have a coworker who has a special needs son and I see how she is always running from her responsibility, so much so that she often leaves her teenage daughter to do the mothering. It must be very difficult for them all.
This weekend I was realizing that as much as I hoped that Scott and I could come to terms with our relationship, and have in a lot of ways, I don't think I could raise another child with him. I only hope that I will be a strong figure for Elijah to relate to. In the day to day it is easy to ignore but when important issues come up about physical discipline or enacted violence the clash is so loud and threatens to destroy.
Friday I had a nice day. I got my haircut, I bought some fingernail polish and other accessories to keep my nails clean and nice. I had an avocado delight, mini, at Big Town Hero. I searched for athletic shoes and even though the adventure wasn't fruitful I did enjoy the hunt. It isn't often that I am looking for shoes without some kind of pressure. I could almost see how shopping is theraputic for some people. As planned I did spend the majority of my day at Border's. I tried to be logical and realize that I didn't have to spend the money on something right away but as I looked around and my thoughts wandered to purchases I could make for others I realized I needed to stay focused on myself. I looked at countless cookbooks, diet books, I racked my brain to remember all the things I always think I need or want but came up mostly empty.
As normal I searched for Henry Rollins in the spoken word section to no avail. It appears to only be available on DVD and they were special order. I left with a pagan book I am reading with another friend, an exercise video and a Dorothy Parker anthology. I have decided to return the Dorothy Parker and pick up Fame on DVD as I can always look for Ms. Parker at used book stores.
I picked up my soy chai at the Coffee House Cafe and it was divine. Seriously! The trip also bought unexpected rewards as an acquaintance's photo display was proudly hanging on the walls as it was many months ago when I visited the cafe. They are wonderful snapshots of Colombianos. But what caught my attention was the familiar face of one of the great fantasy loves I have. Ricardo....
Saturday, Melissa came over. I watched her children so she could enjoy some time out on her birthday. She is 20 this year. Amazing! It was a pleasant afternoon as the children were wonderfully good natured. The only thing I could have wished for would have been for Elijah to remain sleeping. Three children together is very overwhelming for me.
In the late evening Scott took Elijah shopping and I had time to myself. I watched Globe Trekkers on PBS, they were in Chile. I had a nice long shower, I exfoliated my elbows, knees, feet and chest. I massaged special lotions for each part of my body and I washed my face. I painted my toenails and read a magazine. I stayed up late but not too late finishing a trashy novel. The day was productive too. I cleaned my room, mostly consisting of putting away laundry which I constantly let pile up. I picked up the living room so it wasn't a dive when the niece and nephew arrived.
Probably my biggest accomplishment of the weekend was to try to quit smoking. It has been a really rough two days, all mental, but worth it as I sit here tonight with smug pride in myself.
This morning I painted my fingernails. I am not sure how I managed with Elijah but I did. I followed all the supposed rules. Base coat, polish, and top coat all finished without any major smudges and yet the first time I wet my hands the chipping starts. It looks like tomorrow evening I will be removing it. Sigh... I am just not cut out for this supposed feminie beauty routine. I can barely hold back the tears.... Not!
I do have to add that while trying to stop smoking I am drinking more soda but I am sure that will fade over the work week.
I feel like I had so much more to say... Oh yes! I cleaned my kitchen too. I feel so on top of everything. And I like the exercise tape I purchased. It is exactly what I was looking for in terms of simplicity. It will be nice when I am familiar with the routine and can pump in my own music. The host has one of the most amazing bodies I have ever seen. She isn't too annoying but she does talk way too loud.
Well it is 11:15, I am waiting on the last load of laundry to finish and then off to bed. It is my goal to try and hit the hay by 10:30 every night this week and see how I feel. I took a nap today and it was extremely glorious.
Ciao