life of uncertainty

As a mother I am having to endure my first "phase" of infatuation with a TV character. I guess it could be worse. I find that I admire Steve and Joe for their work. Today was fairly relaxing. Scott made dinner and we had Mikey, Michelle and Skyla over for dinner. I really wish I did not have to work tomorrow. I watched two movies by myself this weekend. Frida on Friday night and Secretary last night. I enjoyed them both.

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I feel like crying. I have for the better part of two weeks but I haven't been able to cry in the way I mean. I will have to try to find an aid when I am at the video store tonight. I want to cry when I think about Nicole in New York. I want to cry when I think about Solomon not being in New York. I want to cry about Elle and Ry leaving New York and being here. I want to cry about all of my friends not being in one place. I want to cry because in my minds cruel way I never remember things Nicole tells me in regards to dates and I find I missed her most of today and will miss her next week as well. I want to cry because I am learning to love New York in a way I never imagined. I usually find myself attracted or interested in "things" through the people I know and love and their interests. I know there is so much turmoil going on in our lives right now. It must be the 7 year itch. On a completely different note... There is an exhibit at the Portland Art Museum that I think Elle might be interested in. It runs until September 21st so maybe we can have an outing. I have run out of time... Back to work.

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My nursing bras by Goddess are a life saver. The style I have is completely cotton. They have little black, white and red doodles to catch the newborn's sight. I love them so much. They were a little warm in the summer as it was like wearing two shirts sometimes but the comfort was divine. I wear them to this day even though the glorious days of nursing have long since passed. I really do long to be a mother of a newborn again

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This was an intensely emotional roller coaster weekend. I do not really wish to share much of the intimate details at this time but I feel as mixed up this Monday I as I did last. Saturday night I did something I haven't done in a long time. I watched another child, not familial in relation. Skyla Belle is her name and she was a joy. She is exactly six months older than Elijah. She is potty trained. She is well behaved. She had an accident but that is to be expected when you put a 3 year old in new surroundings. Elijah and Skyla played so well together it was almost unbelievable. They pushed each other in turn on the swing set and on the tricycles. They went to bed without fuss and ate meals cordially and even shared beverages. It was a pleasant distraction. I have not been eating or sleeping well with the stress. I tried to rent movies on Saturday night but my purusing was interrupted by a bloody nose. In discussing the physical symptoms with friends it was recommended that I visit a physician. I hate to do that when I cannot place anything specifically wrong. Yesterday I had an outing planned to Lollapalooza with my friends Michele and Dana. The gates were opening at noon with the first band to play at 2 pm. On Saturday it was decided that we would leave at 11 am as it is about an hour drive to Portland Meadows and who wants to bake in the sun for hours for a spot upfront with bands we probably do not care about. Sunday right before 11 came the call that Michele was needing to look at some housing due to a important family issue and one appointment could only be squeezed in at 3. The plan was to leave at 3:30 pm. We would get there about 5 but with the set changes and such we would probably only miss a few of the smaller acts. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. I was feeling horribly ill so the extra time to sleep was great but it also gave me more time in the house. 3:30 came and went, and then 4. I think around 4:30 I called Dana's cell and was told she was out. I guess I am getting into the silly details. Anyway around 5 pm we hit the road to meet up with Michele. It seems that a lot of stuff suddenly happened in a short amount of time but we grabbed something to eat and headed off from Woodburn. We got near Portland Meadows and Dana realized that the tickets said Columbia Meadows and it was in St. Helens, which we had no idea where or how to get there. Blah, blah, blah... We finally made it to our destination. We got to the show in time to enjoy half of Incubus, Audioslave, and of course the real reason for our journey, Jane's Addiction. Most of the vendors were shutting down, most of the food tents were out of main ingredients. We enjoyed the music immensely that we were able to catch. The crowd was mellow and wonderful. The view of the stage was actually pretty incredible without having to fight crowds. For me the highlight of the evening was the encore, Jane's Addiction, minus Perry Ferrell played with Maynard from A Perfect Circle, forgive me Allen if I am getting any of this wrong. They played a song I do now know the name of, they had never played it before and it rocked and I have decided that I am in love with Maynard's voice. I was very sad that we missed A Perfect Circle, everyone else we missed I had either never heard of or didn't know their music so it didn't matter much. I admittedly don't know anything really about A Perfect Circle either other than Allen's love the for music and I wanted to be able to share that with him. I am going to make it a priority to check them out. The real highlight of the weekend involves the time after the show. In an effort to be safe with our personal belongings we decided to leave everything in the trunk of the car. Michele took only the key to the doors in her pocket. Cell phones were locked in the trunk. Only our ID was on our person's. Upon returning to the car Michele discovered she took the ignition key rather than the door key. She drives a newer car with auto locks, which apparently are not easy to slim jim. We had the help of a handleful of passerbyers and eventually the Columbia County Sheriffs. I had the honor of breaking the ignition key off in the trunk in a feeble effort to find a stroke of luck. I swear I hadn't even turned it yet and there it went. I could have cried but the events were too funny. To wrap up, the locksmith came, over an hour later. We made friends with the two deputies, yet I cannot remember their names. The locksmith could barely break open the car himself. I owe Michele $20 for my part in the locksmith fees. We were horribly late getting back into town, 3:30 am. On a positive note we gave the deputies something to chuckle about and we got stickers for our kids. And of course we made it home in one piece. As the deputy said, maybe we should have taken the earlier issues in town as an omen not to make the trip but I say for the hours I was out there I saw nice eye candy, had a great elephant ear, heard awesome music and forgot about my troubles. I could have done without all the dirt though :) Hasta la proxima

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Ah.... Finally. An update on the Banana clan. It feels like a breath of fresh air. It was also an extremely productive day for the girl and I am amazed and overwhelmed at what she must be going through with the school search and the worry of best care and nuturing for our little Xander man. I can hardly believe that Elle and Ry will be here so soon and yet I know they will probably be here for a few days before they have a chance for visiting. I have a new manager at work and I must say I find him quite attractive. My sexual drive is peaked this week. Probably mostly because of the stress. It is funny after all these years how much my heart leaps when I see Scott. Lately it has been especially acute when he is sleeping, unless of course his mouth is open and he is snoring :) I suppose my sudden infatuation with various employees is also a defense mechanism to hide the hurt I feel from realizing deeply and truely that I love Scott and am not over him in any way, faults even. I miss my dad too.

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I am dying for news about the little banana, and the momma banana, and the daddy too. Not that I have been the most reliable source of up to date news but all the same. I want to go to bed early. I am exhausted. I brought my first piece of my son's art work to work today. It is amazing to see the progress in his circles and he layout of color. Next week I will not be running him to daycare. It will be a nice break but it will make it that much harder the week after when we have to leave the house earlier than normal as the daycare is moving to a new location. Ok, I guess I have nothing to say. Sorry

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I know that I do not deal very well with stress. I never have. And as of the last nine months I have done what I can for stress with smoking. I was really successful this weekend at walking when I felt the urge to smoke. I suppose that is a start. I am struggling because I feel like I am being taken advantage of by a boy. I am mad at myself for being so upset about some one being insenstive. Why is it so hard to not feel like someone not loving you is something you did? I feel whiny today so I apologize. I worked overtime this weekend and now I am regretting it as I have had such a stressful 3 days. I have nothing profound to share and the day to day details don't seem worth updating. I did buy a new pair of tennis shoes this weekend. Yeah!

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I took time out of my so busy schedule to wash my car tonight. I cannot remember the last time I washed a car by hand. I don't think it has been nearly as long ago as it seems at this moment. Usually I just don't care enough. I may take time out at the gas station to wash my windows out of necessity and on ocassion I will take my car through a cheap drive thru just to feel like I am doing something to ensure the well being of my automotive. My current vehicle is different. I was thinking of naming her Agatha... I think that captures most of what I feel about my motor. However now that "Agatha" has a new stereo and CD player, and I want her to have a name to live up to not just one that is fitting I may have to rethink. My original plan was that come tax time I could use Agatha as a trade in on a new car. Since that time and place I have come to realize that I will not be as financially stable as I was thinking in 2004 and my focus come tax time will have to be fixing my broken tooth and hacking away at some debt. Agatha was obviously well loved by her previous owner and so I too am trying to give her lots of TLC. I have purchased seat covers, I clean the car out on a semi regular basis, I get scheduled oil changes, I put plus fuel in her and above all I love her more than any other vehicle I have owned. Don't laugh but it has been Willamette Valley humid here today and I feel so sticky and gross I just want to cry. Hopefully Agatha will make it through another full year with me... I rely on her quite a bit.

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I have a desire to do yoga, to get my mind and body relaxed and more flexible and then see what happens naturally. Unfortunately the size my body has reached makes the necessity to lose weight the bigger priority. I have been feeling lately, and ever increasingly so, that my right and left side of my body are completely out of whack and I don't know how to help. I went on a walk this evening with Elijah and did some stretching and some weights. I feel awfully tired now.

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How very serendipitous that music was on my mind so much the other day. I was suprised with a present from Scott, a new car stereo/CD player. I was very surprised to say the least. It was a very frivalous item I had no plans of purchasing any time soon. I took an outing to the zoo yesterday. The zoo is not my favorite place normally but getting out and about was nice. I saw a most beautiful leopard and very friendly otters. I read two rather negative comments over the weekend regarding blogs. One was in Jane magazine. I really don't know why I keep reading it. It was a free subscription at one point and I am a self-confessed magazineaholic but now I keep paying for it. I know there are other better choices but I cannot decide on one. I am dying to hear baby news. I hope I won't have to wait too long into Monday to hear. I have been insatiably hungry this weekend. Hungry mentally that is and I craved nothing of any nutritional value. I had a 6:30 am wake-up call this morning and I can barely function. Laundry and then I am off to bed.

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I adore music, I would devour it if I could! I love really great music, I love mediocre music. I care most for those with talent but even the right combination of lyrics spilt forth in the right harmony or with the right edge can make me a fan forever. And often there are songs I adore while not knowing or caring much for the artist(s). Some of my loves- The Beatles The Black Crowes REM Madonna Tori Amos Tracy Chapman Ani Difranco The Rolling Stones Queen Jellyfish Elvis Sarah McLaughlan Live Otis Redding The Supremes Stone Temple Pilots Outkast Cake Matchbox 20 Dave Matthews Band There are so many more but I am drawing a blank. One... or Two... or Three hit wonders (They might sing more than a few popular ones but I only care for a handful) Wham Lauryn Hill Christina Aguilara Mary J Blige Extreme Ok, this seemed like a good idea at the time when I was returning from lunch after hearing a Wham song in the car. I swear to god this ALWAYS happens when I try and discuss music with anyone. Please ask me who my favorite bands are and I just go blank.

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I can only try to gauge how Elle must be feeling by how I am feeling. We are all so eager to hear news about the little budding banana. On the other hand I have a new coworker, who is quickly becoming a close friend who is also with baby news. Her story is filled with much more stress and more more need for happy thoughts for her health and that of the baby. I was very surprised today to realize how touched and scared I was when I heard her and the baby needed my thoughts and energy. I sat and talked with Dawn, another coworker and friend, as we discussed our love for our children but our hesitation to care for anyone else's children. Part of it is our childhood of acting as mothers throughout our teenage years and part we can only imagine is our self doubt in raising our own and a lot of it probably speaks to having children before we were truely ready. We were both examining how we feel like we are desiring of so much time to ourselves. She was delighted to know that I shared some of her feelings as she was wondering if there was something wrong with her. We are doing the best we can...

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I know not everyone can possibly be as enamored as I am of the color scheme. But that is just it I LOVE the orange and blue.

A huge round of applause for The Girl's handy work. It is so beautiful. My heart does leaps when I see it.

I was listening to 80's music on my lunch errands. I really love the stuff I love from the 80's. I was listening to WHAM!

Ok, I am overly excited for reasons I don't fully understand.

Oh, and adding a link in my text thrills me too to no end.

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So it is only a matter of weeks until my 10 year high school reunion. I thought I was going to go. I thought I would accompany my two friends from the 5th grade, Kristen and Heather. Now the time has come and I haven't heard from either of them in months if not longer, I do not have the funds to go, and most importantly I really lack the desire.
For these 10 long years I thought it would be interesting to meet back up with people I knew as a child and see how we had turned out.
In the most cliche of all worries I really don't want anyone to see how I turned out.
There is of course one person in the back of my mind that I would like to see and I have see no indication that he will be present.
It does seem very strange to think that in a couple of weeks my cohorts in hell will be meeting right here in town having a party and I won't be there.
Well as normal I am feeling too tired and I cannot piece too many thoughts together as they are in my head so I guess this peek as to what I have been thinking about will suffice.
I really do miss Kristen and Heather though. Even though the bad times were bad and the good times some times not as great in hindsight I miss that link to my past. I hope I see them someday soon.

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I don't even know where to start... or how long to continue. I have been writing for the last hour and a half it seems and my hand is tired. If it weren't for the fact that I did not complete a full day's work I am not sure I could be typing at all.
My end of week went so speedily by last week and then I lost Internet service over the weekend so I dreadfully feel so out of sorts with what has happened in my life.
Thursday night an old friend, Rudy, was in town. We talked as we always do, in ways I can with no other. I am sure that comes from Rudy's energy but in large part it is the freedom offered when speaking to someone you see so rarely they do not have time to judge or it is really something else though too. We almost never speak outside of our visits either. I find it unexplainable. This time we spoke of romantice love. I spelled out my fears and frustrations.

We drove around the perimeter of my city and I got stoned. It is a surreal feeling I could come to love. I should find it a "good thing" pot is not more accessible to me.
Later I had a wine cooler with way too many cigarettes and I could barely pour myself in bed before the urge to vomit crept onto me. I was victorious though and I did not feel nearly as horrible as expected come the early morning hours.

Friday I saw my grandmother on her birthday as well as my parents. I learned that my brother David and his life partner Mike were going to be in town. Hurray!

Saturday morning I had a pleasant trip to the Saturday market with Elijah. The day was cool and overcast as we walked exploing the booths. I purchased some of the biggest blackberries I have ever seen as well as banana bread and soap. Pink grapefruit soap. It is not as lovely as the Pink Grapefruit from San Francisco Soap Co but it is nice.

We listened to a guitarist and examined needle point. If only I had $200 to purchase the dinosaur quilt made just for me. Not really...

I hate a Peruvian tamal wrapped in a plantain leaf not knowing I would soon be reading about a Cuban love story. What a hispanic spiced weekend I had :)

The rest of the weekend I was a bit ill to my stomach as I was today. Nothing seems to help really but I am not showing any outward signs really either. Sunday I spend the day in solitude as I skipped out on plans with Scott and Elijah. I read, bathed and slept. Divine.

I feel there is so much more to say but I must sleep. Thank you Nicolette and Elle for the box. It was another pleasant surprise for my weekend. And a letter from my dear friend Georgia too. I felt truely loved and blessed this weekend.

Hasta la manana

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