life of uncertainty

Tonight I had another enjoyable few hours while carving my own jack 'o Lantern. It turned out quite nice. The pumpkin had some character of its own. Besides the face I did a spiral on the back. I realized in error I had started at the outside of the spiral when I should have started from the inside. I almost thought I had planned the spiral wrong all together and was going to end up with just a gaping hole on the back side but I was correct in my planning. Last night I used a glowstick to illuminate the pumpkin for Elijah but tonight they sat on the porch with a candle glowing. Glowsticks are just no substitue.

Posted by Hennifer at 10:26 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Tonight is evening two of living alone and it is strange to realize how much easier I slept knowing Scott would be home at some time in the night. It isn't that I am paranoid just aware. Blah! I passed my quiet time tonight playing cribbage on my computer. I have become addicted to a cribbage program that I have that lets me win trophies every time I complete a five game win over the computer. I have 18 accumulated I guess. They make me extremely happy. I would like to extend my love to my friend family. It really is a testament, I think anyway, to our relationship to read the entries from you both. If only Solomon could be inclined to blog.... Although I know all the reasons he would not :) I am freezing so off to bed.

Posted by Hennifer at 11:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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Tonight I spent a majority of my evening carving a pumpkin. I purchased a large squat pumpkin for myself based on some faces that I had tried out on paper. Someone with the finer lines the face just isn't as cute. I instead focused my attention on the little round ball of a pumpkin that Elijah picked at a patch a couple of weeks ago. I am rather proud of myself. Last year there are these adorable pictures of Elijah cleaning out the inside of his pumpkin, far to interested in what is inside to be grossed out by the slime. This year of course he is older and just kept saying "eww" repeatedly. In an effort to be safer and such I purchased glow sticks for the lanterns. It doesn't give off enough light to please me but made a great safe night light for the boy tonight. Elijah's lantern is probably too small for a candle anyway but I think I will carve mine tomorrow and set it on the porch with a candle. Tonight Elijah and I were both in good spirits. It was very nice!

Posted by Hennifer at 11:09 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Unconscious Mutterings

1. Roadtrip:: Tom Green
2. Honey:: Bee
3. Flanders:: Ned
4. Vampire:: Lestat
5. Justice:: Victory
6. Marine:: Soldier
7. Protractor:: Junior High
8. Rubber:: Band
9. London:: France
10. Jerry:: Mathers

Posted by Hennifer at 09:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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I feel that over the last few weeks there is constantly the presence of the 'Good' and the 'Bad' angels sitting on my shoulders. There is constant struggle at every moment and it is becoming a bit overwhelming. I realize I have been listening to the Bad a little too much and that is why I am in the predictament I am in now on the home front and yet if I had never looked I would be walking around unaware that Scott was no longer true of heart. I feel the need to contact the other women involved and put my two cents in but I can see that will only lead to more tension between Scott and I and we do have a lifetime ahead of having to be friends? I stayed home today with my sick child. It was for the best as we got a lot of rest. He seems healthier although he did have a fever during his nap but the cough was almost non existent for most of the day. I have been fighting a sore throat or maybe a cough for about a week so staying home was good for me as well. I tried to drink liquids but am sure I did not meet my quota. I have however refrained from aggrevating my throat with smoking. We have had a strange few days of 80 degree weather and it has been a bit balmy. My allergies are alive in a way I have never experienced before. Itchy ears and throat almost too much to bear. Tomorrow is back to the grind. I have a lot to get accomplished this weekend. I am preparing for Halloween. I need to do a dry run sometime during the next week to see if I can accomplish it on my own. I was inspired by a pumpking in a magazine, it was painted like Cleopatra. I decided that I didn't want to be a specific deity but would rather strive for the look of a sarcophagus (sp?). I have dye for my hair, I have gold to paint my body, and I have a strapless dress that needs ornamentation. I have long collections things Egyptian so I need to dig out my trinkets and decide what to use. I have make up for the face, and eye liner to paint hieroglyphs on my body but need to choose some. I need something for my hair to get my style to blend more as I just cut it into a bob. It has been decided that I must make wrist cuffs and something for the collar. I have been rather unsuccessful in finding a large, detailed picture by which to go by. I hope this won't just be weird.

Posted by Hennifer at 10:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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In desperation I left the house yesterday. Hoping that leaving my "home" would help ease some of the heartache and stench of betrayal. I grabbed at the first CD I could really think of, knowing I shared no desire to listen the the crap on the radio, and worst yet the advertisments. I popped the CD in to find I had Ani Difranco, the first song blasting out at me was 'Both Hands'. I drove peacefully across town with the words pouncing on my nerves. I realized I had to get myself together as I pulled off to the side to write out a check. I was driving in a dangerous mode with my child along for the ride. This evening settles around me with this strange numbness. I feel overwhelmed by my feelings, actually more so by the actions these feelings make me want to exact. Crying seems to futile right now. I am struck by how numb I really do feel. I have these almost out of body experiences as I try to discuss my situation with those around me without losing me cool. I hear my inner discussion telling myself it is because I am more grown up, I have seen this coming, tears won't help... Yada, Yada, Yada. Yet I know ever so deep that I cannot begin to imagine the healing I will have to go through For those of you that are fairly foreign to my personal life. I have a son, Elijah, with my ex Scott. Scott and I got together 6 years ago this last summer. We have been through really great times and really not so great times. I almost left him a few years ago for the East Coast as I was tired of him tossing me aside and then just wanting to take me back. During our "breakup" we resided together still and we often made love. Making love was always scarce with Scott but in his way of wooing me he is a champion. Along came Elijah... My ultimate joy! During my pregnancy I realized that Scott and I had this weird connection and ultimate desire to be with one another even through our differences. There is a stability in his arms that I have never known before. The first year together as parents was someone difficult but ultimately wonderful, at least for me. This spring we decided that enough was enough and that we just couldn't make things work. In a strange way, and not ultimately too painful, we found our friendship again and joy in being together as a family. I had discussed with coworkers about how strange things were and my dear friend Penny tried to convince me I had to at least tell Scott how I feel but I couldn't do it. I was finally able to open up as I felt very threatened by the presence of another female (a whole can not to be opened) and even though my trust had been shattered I was willing to take the last and final chance. Hoping, above all, that changing my reactions could help us find hope.... But alas, in the last 6 weeks I have remained mistrusting and crossed the line to invasion of privacy. And now I know the truth of where Scott's intentions lie and we are through.... Even as I write this I flash back to my dream from last night where I was writing about him in my blog only to find that he was invading my privacy as well and not only reading my blog but making posts himself. I am more painfully scared than I can even start to explain... I have anxiety just sitting thinking about the possibility of spending the night was a partner... Not a situation I see myself in anytime soon.... Every day there is this internal struggle... I want to ignore all common decency and common sense and start a smear campaign. I want to open up the wound and pour salt in by going through Scott's personal things so I can feel each word of his new persual pierce my limbs and torso.

Posted by Hennifer at 10:46 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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This week's Unconscious Mutterings

1. Country:: Iraq
2. G:: Gold
3. Offer:: Suggest
4. Connection:: Link
5. Quest:: Ever
6. Lighthouse:: Christine
7. Sycamore:: Tree
8. Inhumane:: Cruel
9. Sneer:: Dirty Look
10. Weapon:: Knife

Posted by Hennifer at 01:32 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Today is a quiet day at work and I am actually having some free time during my day to blog... However, no one else is around to read or be read. Sad! Hetty, I really hope you are having an amazing time in Colombia. I so wish I was there. I am giving up my cell phone this weekend. I am in mourning. I am not sure how soon Scott is moving out but there will go my cable internet as well. It will be very strange to have a computer at home and no internet and I just don't see myself signing up for dial up anytime ever! I am fighting a cold and feel kind of hungry but nothing sounds good. Soup or oatmeal? I hope I am feeling well enough this weekend to venture out and get my hair cut. My thoughts are incredibly random today. We received a package from Elijah's Aunt Stacy with children's movies. We watched Toy Story last night and will probably watch the sequel tonight. I was very excited because a copy of Disney's Robin Hood, with the foxes, was included and it is one of my absolute favorites. My favorite used to be The Aristocats but I have definitely outgrown the whole thing. I bought Bend It Like Beckam the other night. I am very excited to watch it with whomever I can round up.

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The Friday Five 1. Name five things in your refrigerator. Ketchup, milk, mayonnaise, cherry pie filling and old lettuce (And that is really about all) 2. Name five things in your freezer. Popscicles, chicken thighs, icecubes, sprounted sourdough bread and boca burgers 3. Name five things under your kitchen sink. Dishwashing soap, Orange Cleaner Wood Cleaner, spray bottles, sponges and light bulbs 4. Name five things around your computer. Paper umbrella, date stamp, pictures of boys (Elijah and Xander), Artwork by Elle and piggy bank 5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet. Toothpaste, toothbrush, floss, face cleansing wipes and Bain de Terre (hair serum) Doing this from work kind of stressed my brain :)

Posted by Hennifer at 01:29 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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It is very cold and windy today. I feel blah. I need to look for a new place to live and I am overwhelmed at the prospect. My average monthly net has been $1400. I have to try to move and support my son and I. I know most places base assistance on gross which will probably really hurt me. I am guessing I may have to completely scrap my 401K savings for a little while... Although I really don't want to. My insurance has this really cool thing where I can see a counselor under the "Employee Assistance Program'. I can have 6 visits at no cost. Yeah. I am hoping they can help refer me to agencies and such. Sigh... 1400 420- Credit card debit (I know! That is horrendous but it is in debt consolidation now) 980 50- Car Insurance 930 500- Guesstimated Rent 430 60- Gas 370 50- Diapers (hopefully soon to change) 320 150- Groceries (hard to figure as we never shop regularly and without Scott around I would like to eat more organic and healthy but we will be only feeding two) 170 This would have to cover all utilities (hopefully only electricity and phone) and anything else I am not thinking of... Which I am so freaked I am forgetting. Oh my god/goddess! I totally forgot my school loans ($40). Leaving me with only $130 for utilities and entertainment? Scott would be paying childcare ($475) and I think maybe a little extra would be fair but we shall see. I am figuring that in the interim, until I have to move that I should cancel my cell phone and cable anyway, because I will not be able to afford them once I am living on my own. I am sad about losing my cell phone :(

Posted by Hennifer at 01:23 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Not much pleasant to say.... Bought a pair of rubber boots for my son so he can go to a Pumpkin Patch tomorrow. I hope he has fun. I saw my parents this weekend... I had a nice dinner with them and part of my other family. My father made malted milk drinks. YUMMY! I had a nice afternoon with Elle today and we had a great dinner. We had grilled cheese, tomato soup, broccoli and brownies for dessert. I didn't have long to spend on my blog tonight. I was hoping to do the Friday Five but it is regarding sports and holds no interest for me.

Posted by Hennifer at 11:03 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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From subliminal.lunanina.com

1. Timeshare:: Silly
2. Accounts:: Stories
3. Temptation:: Need some
4. Hack:: Knack
5. Shadow:: Box
6. Infection:: Bacterial
7. 800:: 700
8. Infidelity:: Hurtful
9. Springfield:: Simpsons
10. Gardener::Wicca

Posted by Hennifer at 10:58 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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If I ever thought I was busy at work before I knew nothing. Last week was spent sending out late notices to about 5000 of our customers. Even though in the back of my mind I knew it would generate far more work than ever before I could not possibly have realized that magnitude. Our department has been swamped with 45 minutes plus hold times and 60 agents holding at any given time. I am saved on two fronts, one they need me to do the work off the phones that those on the phones cannot get to and two my mind let me enjoy me weekend completely without remembering what I would come into yesterday. My email is down at home as well so the blogs are incomplete and far and few between.

Posted by Hennifer at 12:54 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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1. Coat:: Fur
2. Allowance:: Never had one
3. Mist:: water
4. Disorder:: my desk
5. Scheme:: color
6. Dick:: Tracy
7. Homework:: Housework
8. Milton:: Oregon?
9. Shampoo:: Hairspray
10. Z::Zebra

This week's Unconscious Mutterings

Posted by Hennifer at 10:30 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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So much stuff to borrow today. First the Friday Five and later A to Z; by the other nicole and brought to my attention by the girl 1. What vehicle do you drive? *I drive a 1986 white Cheverolet Cavalier station wagon named Agatha. 2. How long have you had it? *I bought Agatha from a coworker in mid-April of this year I believe. 3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle? *I would have to say my recently installed CD player. 4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle? *The sagging headliner, soon to probably by edged out by the leaking front windshield but since it hasn't hit rainy season yet definitely the head liner. 5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now. *I really have no clue. Old Jaguars are one of my favorites but I wouldn't be driving it as it is a weekday and I transport my child to and fro. If money were no object, I probably wouldn't drive at all.

Posted by Hennifer at 01:17 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Living 3000 miles apart from your best friend is truely and completely the pits!

Posted by Hennifer at 12:42 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Tonight was the local canned food drive at the theatres and I participated by cleaning out my pantry. I know that sounds bad but it wasn't, I actually took good stuff. It was however stuff that someone bought and we never eat and it never sounds good. I took my son to see 'Finding Nemo'. He did very well and I think I was taken aback by some of the darker stuff more than he. At times like that I am amazed at how grown up he is. This has been a really tough, non-stop week at work and I am really looking forward to the weekend. I took off today early for the movie. Afterwards I stopped and visited my sister and sister in law. It was nice because it was quiet and so often lately they have been busy socializing with their neighbors so it has been awkward. My nephew, Mason, is very impressed at Elijah's progress in the language department. How funny! In speaking with my sister in law she said that my brother, James, who is overseas said that he probably will be over seas for a full 12 months, making it 14+ months since his deployment. The only upside seems to be that he may have time off where he can come home or she can take a trip to another continent. It dawned on as I was writing this that they will most likely be spending their first year anniversary miles and miles apart. It is very hard for me not to get irrate. Time to prepare the child for bed.

Posted by Hennifer at 09:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

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