life of uncertainty

Chapter 3 - The Brady Bunch, oops! Well almost.
The Ruks clan grows to a full 8. Times have gotten harder. There are more children to care for. I don't really know my brothers and sisters as siblings but more as wards. Fondly recounts some of the trips to the hospital to visit mom and the new sibs

Chapter 4 - Eight is Enough
I recount in detail one of my earliest memories of my relationship with my mother. Melissa joined the family as the last of the six children. She arrived 2 days prior to my birthday. I was devastated as my mother remained in the hospital as I celebrated my eight year. I really wish I could remember more of those early years with my mother.

Chapter 5 - The Inner Workings of a 2nd Grader
I have this weird warped, vague memory of having a problem with my eyes one summer. I think I was around 7. In my recounting I remember waking up every night with my eyes caked shut. I would compare it to E's clogged tear ducts his first year. I remember feeling my way to the bathroom and putting warm compresses on my eyes until I could open them. I remember having a lot of feelings of guilt or something. There is this oppression of trying to keep a secret. Did I really go through this all on my own? I recall not playing outside at all because I didn't want people to ask me why one of my eyes was kind of droopy. Fact or Fiction? The stranger part is I have never asked my parents if they remember any of this :)

Chapter 6 - Other strangeness
Some of my other vague memories. Do I really remember my friend's brother Justin? dying when I was in first grade? Did I really have a weird interaction with other first graders my first time at Washington Elementary. Was I left to wander a large, separated school grounds when I was in the 3rd grade in California. All these tiny tidbits of memories.

Chapter 7 - Aunt Ruth
I find it pathetic and a bit aggrevating that my memories of my life start when life really started to be weird. Or maybe it was weird before... Who knows.
Mom goes to work, Aunt Ruth becomes babysitter. I develop relationship with 13 yr old next door, Stacy, I am 9. Jennifer learns about sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. The big house on 4th Street. The boyfriend, Robert, who walks me home a few times. He wore a black jacket like the girl's beloved Jeff, with the little loops on the shoulders :)

Chapter 8 - Dark Secrets, Part I
Life before the diagnosis... I recall life being a bit normal when we first moved to 32nd. My parents made friends with neighbors. Slowly the fighting takes over, the blankets go over the windows. The house becomes a prison. I runaway. Dark times when my father is away.

Chapter 9 - Dark Secrets, Part II
The games begin. My mother goes through various doctor's trying to figure out what is going on. I remember the event that seems to have tripped the wire. My father is away at AT, Melissa I think is riding on the handlebars of a bicycle. She falls and tears up her face. The hospital is involved. I am not sure what happens next. My dad comes home, my mom stays at the hospital. Life trudges on.

Chapter 10 - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! - Adolescence
As if the teenager hormones aren't enough. Word has spread through the neighborhood, their mom is crazy. I just want to be normal. From 6th grade when I can still have friends spend the night ending with 9th grade where I essentially have no friends.

Chapter 11 - Nicole
I met a 'bitch' in science class today! I am glad I have a science partner. I really hate school. I would have just sat there alone until the teacher made someone add me to their group. She seems a little weird :) I recount the first events of friendship, the overnight during Christmas break, celebrating Nicole's birthday with Tabby. The progression of a friendship and the next year or so of highschool life

Chapter 12 - So close but still not emancipated
Foster care, time with my parents, court. Adjusting to a whole family again. Eggshells hoping the fix this time is different.

Chapter 13 - In My Life, Parental Advisory
Graduation, Alex....
This final chapter ends up being a Choose Your Own Adventure gone horribly wrong?

Not that I live my life this way but of all the "what ifs" out there I really wonder how differently our lives would be today. But there is so much I wouldn't trade for. The sequel promises to me a much more serious, reflective read :)

2. Who are the men that you know personally that have most influenced
your life? How have they done so?

I think the men that have most influenced my life are my father, Ricardo, and Solomon.

My father has influenced my life in a couple of very notable ways. Most easily my love for music. My tastes far expand outside of my fathers but I love almost everything he does. And I definitely credit my love of rhythm to my father. How he loves his drum solos. My father also influenced my life early on my turning to me as his confidant. I cannot place exactly how that has shaped me but I know it has. In some negative ways I lost a lot of my childhood.

Ricardo has passed on to me a general love for knowledge. I have always been fond of the Spanish language and culture but he drove it home. He mesmerizes me with his retention of history, both his own and that he has learned from books. I didn't think the words for this would be so difficult. In ways the combination of Solomon and Rick symbolize a lot of who I would like to be, are the kind of men I hope Elijah will grow to be, and represent my ideal fantasies. Flawed but perfect in their own rights.

And for Solomon, well he is just my family and I know that has been one of the most positive experiences in my life.

3. What are some of things that have surprised you the most about
being a parent?

How absolutely hard it is. I mean whatever you think that might mean it is 100 times that. I am also amazed at how we are so programmed to believe this is what we are all here for. It is so very bizarre to find out how many parents feel like they are strange because they want time away from their children Or how their ability to cope only stretches as far as their own offspring. And I am amazed at how much comfort a 3 yr old can give. And the wisdom of the young. They are spell bounding.
Oh, yes, and I could never do what my mother did.

4. What would be your ideal living situation?

I am not sure exactly what is meant by this question...
I would love to live in Italy. I would like to live in a villa but not too horribly far from a larger city. I would love to have my friends family live with me if they please, in a compound maybe but definitely separate houses. I would like to have a vegetable garden. I would prefer not to have to work full time. I am not sure that I wish to be married but I would like to have my SO live near by so that we could cohabitate and yet have our own space. I would like to have a car but not need to drive it for day to day living.

5. Is there anything you feel is missing from your life? If so, what?

Yes, I feel things are missing from my life but I cannot verbalize them. I am missing a real sense of direction. There is definitely not enough music in my life.