High
I am literally getting turned on looking at the UrbanOutfitters site
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This was written when my daughter was 2 months old. Sometime soon I hope to post some comments regarding my reaction to rereading the story over 3 months later. Sorry about the formatting
"I’ve waited too long to write this. The thought of trying to capture anything significant brings me to tears. I am the mother of two. A boy and a girl, both born by cesarean. And I guess I can say that both c/s were due to failure to progress. I’m done having children. My due date was the 4th, or the 1st of July, both are irrelevant because they both came and went. I had a presentation to give on the 7th, if I was still working, everyone said. And I was. Maybe I shouldn’t have been. I remember not feeling very great on that Thurs. I talked myself into making it through the day because I didn’t want my coworker Leslie to have to cover for me. People kept asking me if I was having contractions and I said no but I know now that I was but I made it through the day. I remember I ended up having an appt with Pam that evening. I wanted the green light that labor was beginning but I didn’t ask for it, by morning I was fine. I remember discussing that if the pains I was having in my back weren’t enough to make me stop and focus on them then they probably weren’t the real thing. That weekend was fine but by Monday morning I guess the doubts were setting in. I took a step in the right direction by discussing it with Pam via email. Her reply wasn’t the positive spin I was looking for but then she did her thing and came back with the knowledge and a plan. I thought during my pregnancy that the way I was sleeping and the time I spent on my hands and knees at night saved me from any possibility of malpositioning. (side note, I know Pam will be reading this and I’m having a hard time not thinking about that J ) I thought I was eager to try anything and everything to get labor started. I also came to terms that I might make it another week at work and decided the 14th would be my last day. Funny how things in retrospect take on different meaning. When I was first pregnant, and once I knew my due date I told my boss several times that if I was still working on my birthday I probably wouldn’t be very happy. I also had a conversation with someone about how it would be really crappy if I worked a full day and then started labor in the evening without time to rest. For the next several days we tried some things to move the baby and I scheduled an appt with the chiropractor.
Wed the 12th started like any other day ;) We planned on having lunch as a group at work on Friday since it would be the start of my maternity leave but neither Leslie nor Michelle were at work (maybe Michelle was, but in training). As is often the case Sarah and I were bored and started discussing the possibility of going out to lunch since I wasn’t feeling horribly well and might not make it to Friday. Like the week before the cramps in my back felt menstrual but not what I would expect from labor, I did jot the frequency down though. It was my sister’s birthday so I went straight there from work to have cake and make it home before Pam came to check on me. Everyone was very excited that I was finally having some signs. I was too involved with trying to get my breast pump paid for to notice much. With Pam, Gabrielle, Lennon and girls we had my appt? I think. Maybe not Lennon. Knees to chest, left side lying and I’m just spacing the name of the other thing. I spent the rest of the evening on the couch on my side. I took a warm shower and went to bed. I had done the same the week before and was fine in the morning. No such luck this time around J It is strange as the time grew near that I wanted labor and feared the pain all at the same time. I guess I didn’t want to end up in excruciating pain knowing I had begged for it. Mentally I just wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was. I didn’t want it to be weird but I could never visualize my home birth. The shower didn’t do the trick. I slept for a couple short hours before I notice the regularity of the contractions in my back. They were every 8 to 10 minutes, religiously. About 2 am I was no longer able to sleep in between. I got up and told Scott what was going on. Since sleep was evading me I suggested we rearrange the room for the birth pool. We did some set up and then settled in the living room. I tried to watch stand up with Scott. I had a couple of contractions like 2 or so minutes apart and then there was a lull of 20 mins. I remember this vividly because it was my queue to try to sleep again. I slept fitfully of course. Did I get up at 6?
Friday brought about more food, more people and more desire to get this baby delivered! Scott was so wonderful, I really felt hugged by his presence. He was so supportive. I knew I couldn’t let him leave when the time came J I didn’t want to jinx anything by inviting my sisters, or Anne or April. I felt really positive about trying the body work. I still wanted to find the will to socialize, to stay more VERTICAL. I could have crawled out of my skin oh so many times J Its very hard to capture all the stuff going on in my head then. I wanted my body to cooperate but it hurt so much. And once we kind of knew that baby was not great position I know my spirits just dropped. I remember when “the lady” left after the body work that things had to change. I remember her saying to keep focusing on the outcome I wanted because I would get what I was focusing on. I spent sometime thinking I was just doomed and I should call it quits. After a little pity party I went to the other extreme. I started saying what I wanted because visualizing was a lost cause. I never was really very aware of how often contractions were coming. Trying to go on the walk with Scott was insane. It seemed so much harder outside. I really was fond of my bed. Happy birthday to me. I missed my son so much by then. Everyone was so great. Lennon doing counter pressure was a godsend. I just remember decision time. Pam was thinking about leaving. I was so afraid to just be there with Scott. Talking it over and them agreeing to stay was good. I talked it over with Scott as well.
With as foggy as my memory is I wonder what good it is to be writing this, although I know some of the tears I have shed are helpful. I am watching a TV show and someone is delivering right now.
Pamela, my sister came to visit. She wasn’t very encouraging. She was trying to be… she kept saying how long she had been in labor. She is a great cheerleader though. If she could do it I could do it. I’m glad she came when she did though. I remember the moments in my room, nearing dusk, when my beautiful baby girl turned, I remember describing how the contractions were in my thighs and how positive Pam and Lennon were. I had made it through the tough stuff. I remember all the wonderful women in my life that were there. Was this before or after the shower with the nipple stimulation, it had to have been. I finally got my wish, a signal that things were going in the right direction. Filling the pool and settling it. I remember how great the water felt. It was quite a challenge though to feel supported during contractions. Feeling like things were happening though made it easier to breathe through them. I remember Lennon asking me about getting out of the pool because contractions had slowed down. All I could think of was lying down. When the contractions started again after some rest they were so atrocious. My heart sank when Pam came to check on her and she had moved. She didn’t have to say anything for me to know where Zoë was. I felt like such a failure, I still do. My plan to make it until late morning or evening or whatever it was was over. Shower no help. Sitting with Pam at the table eating eggs and toast, Dana at my side, in between contractions it seemed clear what I needed to do. I didn’t want to say it out loud. I thought if I kept it quite I could be moved or talked into other options. I didn’t want to let anyone down. Maybe I also didn’t want Scott to get the outcome he predicated. I’m glad I had those moments of quiet to make my decision. I was so appreciative of the feedback Pam had about which hospital to deliver in. It felt very surreal to be choosing a certain c/s. Maybe a crazy drive to Stayton could miraculously bump my baby out.
I remember waking Scott, working out logistics of cars and coffee. Trying to bring anything crucial, knowing a few day stay in the hospital would allow for necessities to be brought to me. What a drive it was, I think I suffered through 4 or 5 contractions.
Santiam Memorial is a quiet hospital in a quiet town, especially in the early morning, still dark. Stark contrast to my quiet home. Everyone was so nice. I really didn’t feel threatened or anything. Some of it felt very familiar, some so different. One definite downside this time around was no magic pitocin button to switch off to stop the evil contractions. I really felt helpless with those contractions once in the hospital bed. I really appreciated the energy between the CNM and Pam. I’m so lost with names right now. I survived the IV, was happy to hear they did the spinal before the catheter. It took forever for the put me out of pain person to get there. They were really good explaining things, and having Scott near by.I remember the OR being so different from what I recall at Salem so many years ago. You could tell it was used for different things. I think there was a poster for putting screws in hips or something. They were very nice. Nurses joking, more explaining, spinal, drapes. Familiar I guess. The actual surgery was different. I remember with Elijah that it was all quite speedy. Within moments I was hearing Elijah’s cries and the announcement that he was a he. It also seemed we saw him so soon. I remember Scott and I crying.
With Zoë it was different. It seemed once they started we were just waiting and waiting. And I could feel a lot of tugging. I kept waiting for the cries, and waiting, little glances and words exchanged with Scott. And once the crying started it went on, and on, and on. I thought to myself… where is my baby, what is taking so long. She just screamed and screamed. I’m guessing they where suctioning her. Damn. We weren’t rushed with our time with her. I remember feeling less emotional than I expected. After Scott and Zoë left I was there with my thoughts, and I guess the “put me out of pain” person. Putting me back together took a long time too. I remember them saying she was asyclitic or however that word goes. I also recall someone saying she was so in there they had to push her up and flip her breech to get her out, hallucination? I think I was told I had a lot of scar tissue. I was in the OR for so long I didn’t even have to go to recovery. The rest as they say is history. I do remember calling my friend Anne and her being surprised I had a c/s. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to deal with telling people I had a c/s, my home birth dreams slashed but in the sad way that is our birthing world at the moment, people just deal with the c/s story as par for course L
It is late. My baby out of character went to bed about 1 ½ ago. I was going to work but the program is down, so.I have so many what ifs to deal with. Would things have been better if…
I’d called on Anne and April
I’d meditated more
I’d spoke up more
I’d written out my fears and angers
Had more support from Scott all along
I had gone somewhere in Portland so I could have had an epidural
Done more yoga
Had more sex
Walked more
Had my breast pump earlier
Eaten better
Eaten/drank more in labor
Stopped working earlier
Dealt with my contractions somewhere other than my bed
Hmmm… suddenly the list doesn’t seem so long.
I do have this to say. I still feel like a failure, I think it will take some time before I don’t. I’m still processing that I don’t have any more opportunities to deliver vaginally. Not sure what kind of healing this will take but I feel successful in a lot of ways too… not just for me but for all women wanting vbacs.
I stood my ground when I was told I HAD to have a cbac. I “found” a different provider. I educated myself, reading, ican meetings, online research. I stood my ground with my partner. I labored for 50 some hours, I didn’t have any uterine rupturing, I was dialating, slow as it may have been. I managed pain. I made an informed choice. I have a beautiful daughter, I enjoyed my pregnancy. I’ve become an advocate. I let my baby grow for as long as she needed.
I was realizing just a couple days ago that I didn’t have “IT”. I recall so vividly actually feeling my heart grow in size when I first saw my son. It was profound. Summons the Grinch to mind every time. I remember thinking that it was insane how instantaneously I knew a different kind of love. I wondered why I didn’t have that same feeling when I saw Zoë the first time… I realized it was because the “IT” moment with her happened the minute I knew I was pregnant. I feel so sappy but this is the greatest truth."
I have no idea what I did but this entry posted without any of my text.
The new year has started off for me with little sleep and a new niece. Congratulations dear sister! I love you