Brimming
At this moment I am sitting at my computer brimming with hatred. I want to hurt him on some level and yet I know nothing really gets to him. I want him to realize that I spend each and every day in agony thinking about my life, my life lived and my life yet to come. Sending vile text messages seems to bring me some relief but I know that either no response, or a vile response in return will only feed this ugliness. I do not understand the unfairness of it all. I may never get an apology. I may never get a true explanation of what is behind any of this. I sat today with my sister sharing my tears wondering how someone intertwines their life with others so deeply and can just shrug it all off. At the same time I know that his calm exterior does obscure SOMETHING deeper. Is that something even a taste of what I want it to be? I know in so many ways if his resentment truly has been growing for weeks, months or even the years he mentioned in our last confrontation that he probably really cannot stand to be in my presence. That each request to pick something up, clean up something, reach out for something has been another nail on the coffin of our relationship. I think back to all the times I have laid in the dark wondering if any of it was worth any of it, torturing myself wondering if I will make a mistake by moving forward, if I will make a mistake by giving up and how at each of those opportunities I waited too long to make a move and yet I never would have waited until the point he is at came about. How did he not think of his children? Was his love for me ever real? I haven't been the one to fuck up in that last half of our decade together. I told him what I needed and he decided ending it was better than moving forward. I was devastated but on some level knew it was an opportunity to seek out the truer life I had to live. I only have ever asked for honesty. And several times I have paid the price of heartbreak upon receiving it. I am really trying hard not to play the "if only I'd" game but they sneek in, like ants in my foundation. Will it really be any solace on my death bed to know that I am a better person, that I have a better relationship with my children, that I maybe then have met a true soul mate? How do I escape bitterness as I live my life as it should be, for myself and my children yet knowing at each step as I do the right thing I make it a little easier for him to do the wrong thing?
He's out right now, "playing pool". My stomach tightens as I take in the surroundings of my once happy home. He's cleanly showered, his hat is left behind, deodorant applied, toenails clipped. He might come home tonight. I might wake at some ungodly hour to find him still out. I could vomit realizing he might be in some one else's bed as I type this. We are not teenagers. I am not a girlfriend you can just blow off and never see again. Yet in his mind's eye all of that is valid. He's a free agent, no responsibilities to hold him back.
My mother told me this evening as I left not to give up hope, to keep working at "it". Working at what I wonder? Hoping for what? Dreams haunted me last night of his remorse, his trying to put back everything in its place. Waking is painful still. I have to get my bearings every morning. Take a walk around my house and remind myself that he's at work but our mess is still there waiting to be cleaned up and tucked away.
How did it all change SO suddenly? When will time fade these sharp corners? When will the end of one month and the beginning of another be so concise in my mind's eye?