Fear
I should know better. Really. I am an emotional person. I am an empathic person. I let the hurt, sorrow and pain build up in my heart chakra until I cannot stand it anymore and breathing is difficult. I sat in my dark room trying to pretend that my husband sleeping on the couch in the next room is just a technicality. I knew from last week that watching Grey's Anatomy would be painful. I saw the clip of one woman asking another to step back and let her have a chance with her husband. I almost made it through and then my mind lept.
Suddenly my small baby and I were no longer afloat in a too big bed but I was lost at sea. I realize I am treading water frantically and with every movement I am afraid I will drown. I am painfully aware of how there is no one near to reach out to. There are the calls of friends off in the distance but the darkness and the waves obscure my vision. And in reality everyone is helpless to save me. Instead I am panicked by how easy it would be to just give up. I realize at some moment that I will have to actually try to swim for safety but in all manners of meaning that I DO NOT know how. I am in such unfamiliar territory.
I have been troubled over the last weeks that my parents have not reached out to me at all. My therapists explains it is their lack of knowing how to make it all go away but it does not matter. Even when I sit knowing that my mother's first tactic would most likely be to keep telling me that she is sure that HE loves me and that she does not understand any of it.
I fear for when I have what I need most right now, someone holding me quietly as I sob. Will I drown? I have no space to worry about me and me alone.