life of uncertainty

Peek inside my mind if you dare... Thankfully I can keep these to mostly thoughts and not actions. I'm already thinking I should print this when finished and give it to my therapist.

I'm a duck. I'm a duck. I'm a duck.
Her name is Bethany!!!
Why are you doing this to me?
Can I appeal to him on a purely physical level?
Am I really so unlovable?
How could he know any better? He doesn't have any healthy role models.
I'm just going to have to live my life as if this is all over and if it fixes itself it fixes itself?
How have I been in such bliss and he SO the opposite?
Why didn't I let him lay in my lap more like he likes?
Can I ever sleep with another penis again?
I know every nook and cranny of his body!
I thought we had fun together!
I can't afford to do this!
I can't spend nights without my kids.
Why won't someone stop him?
Maybe divorce is the best option for my son.
How will she be, not knowing the difference of having him around all the time?
I was SO proud of him for moving to day shift!
Have I ever ranted about how good things have been before?
Irritations aside I always bring my focus back to why I love him!
I've learned to live my life with him without needing him to be my life, I thought.
Maybe I should get online and have e-sex.
Are people that know us fixing him up with people?
God, I wish I knew G's last name!
Can I call the receptionist at his work and beg for an accomplice?
He's so lucky I haven't destroyed his stuff.
Why can't I stop myself from freaking out? I know it just gives him another justification
Why do I feel so responsible for controlling his reactions?
Would a day ever come where I won't be attracted to him?
If only I hadn't put off playing Warcraft.
Is it really worth ending a marriage over some laundry?
Why after all this time doesn't he trust me enough to let me in?
I COULD be with someone more suitable but I chose to live my life with this man I love.
I had kids for him for christ's sake!
I just want to hurry along all this grieving.
I just want to lie in bed with him, crying and talking about all this.
My chest hurts from all the tears I can't shed.
I really need my damn ipod!
Why aren't I enough?
Is this a midlife crisis?
I'm a FUN girl in the bedroom, ask anyone!
I should have swallowed more.
Why won't he take me out on a date?
My back is killing me all the time!
Each minute at work is like torture.
I don't want to be divorced!
Is he pissed I kept my name?
I've been so proud to have a husband.
I'm getting a tattoo (assuming I'm not that kind of wuss)!!
I need to be alone with music so I can cry.
I surprise myself at being able to keep it together in front of my kids.
I need to stop smoking!
I had to stop wearing my ring already. It was too painful.
I thought that the ring being SO me meant he'd finally heard me.
I thought our daughter was the icing on our cake.
That committment to him would be the last piece of the puzzle.
If I destroy our wedding pictures would our son just forget eventually?
GOD DAMN IT!!!!
AAARRRGGHHHH!
I should have known better after last time.
Did he propose just for the kids too?
Did I imagine that secret knowledge in his eyes as we said our vows?
I'm a good wife!
I've been talking to myself a lot lately.
I can't let myself believe that he isn't in pain either but how can our reactions be so different?
I remember the first time we kissed.
I remember the first time he got to first base.
I remember the first time he went down on me.
I remember the first time I went down on him.
I remember screwing on the porch.
I remember being so tempted the first time he was away from me.
I remember so much, I don't remember the first time we made love though.
I remember some of the best times we made love though!
We've overcome SO much!
Maybe 10 years is a long time to resolve issues but we've (I've I guess) been doing it.
I love our relationship with each other's families.
I need more than one violent Femmes song at work!
Sitting next to the office sexist pig during all of this sucks.
I bounce from hearing him lie to woman after woman to wondering if he'd just fuck me.
I find it weird that my ways of wanting to deal with all this emotional pain involve either music or sexuality.
I remember meeting his family for the first time.
I recall how he always addresses his quietest thoughts in writing, always.
His poor friend is going to be sorry he sent a letter. I have nothing but venom to spew back at him. Not his fault just an available ear.
Sharing all this with anyone, makes me hurt because I know given the chance I will risk this all again.
Funny how late I joined the myspace game, and how it has blatant weapons to wound me.

I guess I could go on like this all day so I'll end it. Somehow trying to compose this while occupied at work mixed with trying to recall thoughts from the last two weeks is limiting.

I did remember a couple "important ones"

You can't get through this crap without friends
You can't watch TV, everyone's either deliriously happy or going through the same old shit.
Losing weight from not being able to eat just isn't that satisfying.
I wish I could throw up.
His lack of trying to keep up the sexual aspect of our relationship scares me the most, makes me lose hope.
The beginning of what could be a VERY long dry spell is overwhelming.