life of uncertainty

Sadly my blog has become a running tally of all the horrendous things that keep happening during this horrific breakup.

1. He is spending time with his new girlfriend, with our baby in tow. This breaks me heart beyond belief. He essentially told me he is doing it because I demanded that he not. He says I should trust his judgement. First, that is a ridiculous request at this point and time. Secondly, it has nothing to do about judgement. It is completely emotional. I do not want someone who has wounded me so profoundly to enjoy beautiful moments with either of them.

2. Apparently her baby is also an infant, around 6 months. I shouldn't be so shocked but I am. It has crossed my mind that maybe it is his too. Then I realize, based on her attitude when we spoke, that had it been I am SURE she would have let me know. Yet, I don't ask.

3. He has moved out. I wonder if it is in the complex where she lives but I dare not ask.

4. He took our bed. His bed. This was my idea but he opposed it but then took it. How do you have a home when you have no bed? I am sure they fucked on it the very first night. He's also taken an extra pillow.

5. He is taking condoms from our house to screw another woman. He left one. It had to be on purpose. He doesn't seem to get that these repeated, even if thoughtless, behaviors tear at me like a rabid dog. I lose the ability to breath. I stalk around the house unable to have any reactions except "there is nothing I can do".

6. Her stuff is growing in his car. Little stamps that now he is hers. A scrunchy little pony tail hanging from his rear view mirror. I wanted to take it while he was in the house and just dispose of it.

There is no retaliation for me. I keep my head low and focus on the day to day. Each day growing angrier and angrier at the unfairness. The stomach tightening, sleeplessness, holding my breath feelings in the beginning are now replaced with sick, hot waves of what? coming over me. I hit the wall the other night. Those who know me well know I do not lash out physically. Well in ways I guess that isn't true because I have hit Scott on occasion or two. I am always surprised when it happens, and it is never satisfying because in that instance he is angry at the action, rightfully. I guess I always expect though that he would understand that I feel so violated at that point.

Posted by Hennifer at 05:02 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Yesterday was my 6 month wedding anniversary. Why, you might be asking, am I even mentioning this since my marriage is on the way to divorce court? Because it also happens to be my nephews birthday and I also thought I would be coming home this weekend to a house partially removed of my not so DH's stuff. I don't actually care so much one way or the other that his stuff is still here but I spent all day Saturday in a nervous wreck wondering how I would cope emotionally to coming home from a weekend trip to WA to find my house ransacked and all the while knowing it is our anniversary.

I am utterly exhausted and yet I am awake. I had to wait until my little princess fell asleep and then I ate so then I sat up and played puzzle games while my food digested.

I have a raging headache. I am stiff and sore, and sitting in a horribly awkward position.

This week is also his birthday and I get to cap off the week with my sister's wedding. I amaze myself as each emotionally draining week ticks by and I'm not curled in a ball in the corner. I find that I keep referring to the other woman as his girlfriend. It seems to be the only way I can keep an edge on my anger. I mean we aren't fucking divorced yet and he has a girlfriend!!! What the fuck?

It is funny being around my father's family. They obviously have been updated to my personal situation and yet it never came up. My uncle did refer to me as a single parent at one point but that is about it. I am saddened by it and yet I breath a sigh of relief. My parents will be celebrating their 33rd anniversary in just under 2 weeks. Even as I sat this weekend hearing them bicker, sigh, and shake their heads at each other I was also aware of every time they reached out to touch hands or just lean closer to one another. Beautiful.

I was tortured a bit by christian rock on the drive. I keep wondering if my dad thinks that if I just finally found jesus everything would be all right. For a time there was also country weeping at me. It is all so sad and pathetic. 

My brother made reference to my sister Sarah, getting married next weekend, wanting to be like the rest of us, coupled. I've been coupled for so long I don't remember life before. I closed out my evening sitting on the bed with my daughter, and my husband, recounting the mundane details of the weekend. It is too surreal to just sit in a quiet space like that with him, and yet it really isn't quiet because every hair on my body is on edge, my stomach tight, my brain screaming. He tried to hash out some details about time with the kids, which furniture would go where, and nicely offered to run to the store for me. Late sunday after a weekend car trip not the time you know? Why can't he figure that stuff out? I suppose I am rambling so. My thoughts are all over the place. Time for sleep. Buenos Noche! 

Posted by Hennifer at 11:36 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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I have decided that going through this sort of similar situation before is really making this time so unbearable. Even if it played out again similar to the last time things can never be the same. And yet I want the hope of it all being a mistake to help shoulder the pain this time. The numbness is really wearing off and sometimes the pain is SO miserable really I want to just die. I really feel that my physical body is about to shut down from all the stress. I am tighter and tighter every minute. If I manage to get some deep breaths in suddenly I am ambushed by another worry, another mental image. Ever since SHE contacted me I keep expecting something even more miserable to occur. I am ready to wake up. Nothing helps. I just want answer after answer after answer. I'm still trying to logically figure out how this all went down.

This weekend was tough. A mother's day almost completely unacknowledged by my 4 person family. More random thoughts from my son about when we all move into a bigger place, questions about where his father is. A crabby little miss with no relief. A soon to be wedding, another death, systematically watching one relationship teeter on the edge, flowers delivered symbolizing the pureness of another. Thoughtless observations shared, unintential wounds breaking my spirit. My empty refrigerator the obvious example of exactly how much my life is derailed. Someone has to save me from all of this. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot breathe.

Posted by Hennifer at 03:38 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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I'm really starting to notice all the little things in life that are difficult when a relationship ends. There will be family outings without my partner, and some times without my children. There will be weddings, and births and funerals without his shoulders to cry on. Holidays will come and go with no special gifts received, and no special person to buy for. I have to learn to take care of so many little details. I need to learn how to troubleshoot my wireless connection, how to operate my camera's more advanced functions. If my car breaks down I don't have someone to rely on. I have to realize that I don't have ownership anymore of who he is with, where he takes my children, if he buys a bed who will be lying in it. I can't stop in at any time for a visit. I have no one to hold me while I sleep.

There are so many little things that are being taken from me. And some of the ones that aren't taken I have to give up because if I have one part I'll overstep boundaries that aren't mine to cross.

I've been thinking a lot over the last few days about his supposed intention to try no to hurt me more than he is, to try to make it as easy as possible. Besides the obvious way he could have gone about this he had one other chance. He could have told me he wanted out, omitted or not the other relationship, and then did one of two things. Move out that day and make a clean break, or stay and make things as normal as possible until we were able to seperate. He's done neither. Every day is a tug of war of emotions.

Alas... children calling. 

Posted by Hennifer at 10:26 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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The other woman contacted me! Using my husband's phone! Just when I thought my life was shattered by the last earthquake I find that rubble can still crumble. She said she wasn't trying to hurt anyone, that they like each other and want to be together. What the fuck! Did she think I was just going to give my blessing? That I would cease being destroyed because their intentions weren't to destroy me? The weren't thinking about anyone, aren't thinking, about anyone but themselves.

I called her. She had nothing to say for herself other than I should be the one to realize that he doesn't love me and why do I want that for myself. How dare she? She's 20, she has a child, she apparently doesn't drive. She has no comprehension about the depths of any of this.

I had the information to contact her for several days before she made contact and I resisted. I was getting to the point I was believing all the advice, that it wouldn't serve any purpose and then SHE opened the door. I want to harrass her, I want to find out where she lives, I want to trap him at her house. I want a huge, ugly scene. And I'll do none of it, I'll get none of it because I can't do anything for myself but safeguard my children. I am so angry at the world, at the ones spewing the sage advice that keeps me out of the alleys but keeps me so imprisoned.

I yelled at her, I used crude language. He is the true target of my venom but it never comes out when I'm face to face with him. I can't find a place to sit quietly in my own body.

He was upset at her contact as well but not like he should have been. If I had contacted her first he would have left me so fast and so furious but for her he "got on her about it!"

I keep telling myself that she is insecure about all of this. Why else would she give him a hickey, knowing he comes home to his wife every night, leave her lip balm in his car, send me a text message. I hate them both so intensely.

Posted by Hennifer at 09:09 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Calling all divorced parents!

What are some of the most unusual terms you have worked into your divorce papers? Have they worked, have they been easy to verify?

I'd love to hear what has/hasn't worked for people out there.

Posted by Hennifer at 09:34 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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I do not find him to be beyond blame of course but I do blame myself. I blame myself for letting my second pregnancy blind me to the rest of reality. It was such a different experience from last time. I knew the second we conceived. I knew the timing was not good but I did not care. I was happy to have a second child before the window closed completely. In time I actually came to be elated she was a girl as well. I took it as a final sign that we were meant to be together, that despite our differences we had a love we wanted to culture and this new baby was the cement. It wasn't a sign! It was the inevitable happening of two people screwing without too much thought to the consequences. It was me not speaking up for the responsible thing to do, given his predilection to ignore safe sex. I am taking all of this to heart, very personally as just one big mess. Don't confuse my feelings on our sexual history to mean anything relevant towards the life of my little babe. I adore her! She delights me at every step of the way. My pregnancy was extraordinary. It was tranformative.

I blame myself for thinking that once our sexual life improved the rest was butter. That over time we would meld into one another, our extremes mellowing out until we found a middle ground we both could be happy with. I guess I also let his quietness towards our differences in religion be enough to feel he was listening to my needs. I told myself that his hours of endless gaming was just who he was, trying not to focus on how little quality attention I or our children were getting. I blame myself for not listening to my gut all those years ago and fighting for a real starting over. I let my fear of passing up "the real thing" coax me into trying again. All the while it still nagging at me that he wouldn't quite own up to his part in the betrayal I felt. I blame myself for all the times I've bitten my tongue when my feelings where cut to the quick. I believed I was enough to break through his tough exterior. 

I should have known things weren't right so many times before and then it all fell to the wayside. I committed myself to this life, and I was happy. So blissfully happy that I'm now stranded somewhere SO unfamiliar I am lost at every turn. All the rest is the past I guess. These last 12 months are what counted. Snuggling on the couch, a change in his work schedule so we could all co exist together, unexpected flowers, tenderness during my labor, a Happy Valentine's gift when I surprised him with the sex of our daughter, him tossing his fake Christmas tree, going to bed together most nights, the easyness about all the little gross things. At some point you get a little sad when you realize that you now are so comfortable with someone you can talk on the toilet, then at the same time you realize it's a fact of life and you are sharing a life. I thought these were all the little things that kept you going. I guess I was wrong. Now that I've had some time I guess I've seen the pattern deteriorating. I didn't see it coming but oh lovely hindsight. As before at the very end of his rope he throws out dramatic signals and gives only one chance to grab hold. I recall that one night before this nightmare unfolded he compared me to his ex wife. It was something mundane, our attitude towards soda or something. I guess that was the end for him, he saw our life going the path of their marriage.

How did I let myself be satisfied with marrying someone that said "name the date and I'll be there", or who didn't care to run out and get a marriage band, or who complained about marriage destroying our tax return?

It really is time for me to write the venomous letter that sits unread. I hold off for 2 reasons. One, I am certain that as I draft the letter I will eventually fall into the pattern of blaming myself or listing all the additional ways I'm willing to sacrifice myself. Two, I don't want it to go unread. I want him to read each and every word and I want it to break him until he realizes how much he has destroyed me. He will never comprehend that though.

Posted by Hennifer at 12:23 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Why is it that I feel the need to have all my questions answered? Why do I need to completely devastate myself so that I can be done with something that is so obviously over? Some moments of some days I realize that maybe I am not doing so poorly. The thought of living in an environment with furniture of my choosing, menus of my choosing, decorations of my choosing outweighs my fears of never finding love, of never having enough money or energy to give my children a good life, of never living life, albeit briefly. When those moments of space grant me serenity I tend to run back to the dark. Obsessing over text messages, emails, details of his day quite literally makes me sick.

I had more to this entry and then it did something weird. I don't recall the last 2 sentences I had written.

I keep wondering if today will be the day I break what little bit of self respect is hanging out there and steal his keys, order transcripts of his text messages, hack into accounts. Then I ask myself what will it solve? Will I feel better about losing him? Will I gain any real insight into where this all came from? Will I feel like shit for breaking the vow I made to myself to never cross these types of lines again? I have to remind myself that while obsessing about the possibility of doing this is torture I can take some comfort knowing I am the better person by not doing any of this. But then I really want to!

I want to start calling him nasty names too. I want to leave my kids with family and track down his every move. I want answers is the truth of all of it. I want to know how he's presenting this whole situation to his family, his friends, his "girlfriend". I want to know how he's always had women somewhere just waiting to be his option. I want to know how I became one of those women without realizing it. How I let the label of girlfriend, fiance, wife blind me. I want to know when I became not good enough in bed. I want to know when his unhappiness started. I want to know who he spoke with about it. I want to know when he'll feel bad about any of this. I want to trap him in lie after lie after lie until he finally realizes what? I do not know. It is dark outside, the sky heavy with rain clouds. I am so tired of the dark.

I guess I'll close. I feel I have more to say but I think it falls into another entry of its own.

Posted by Hennifer at 11:32 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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