Happy Fuckin' Anniversary
Yesterday was my 6 month wedding anniversary. Why, you might be asking, am I even mentioning this since my marriage is on the way to divorce court? Because it also happens to be my nephews birthday and I also thought I would be coming home this weekend to a house partially removed of my not so DH's stuff. I don't actually care so much one way or the other that his stuff is still here but I spent all day Saturday in a nervous wreck wondering how I would cope emotionally to coming home from a weekend trip to WA to find my house ransacked and all the while knowing it is our anniversary.
I am utterly exhausted and yet I am awake. I had to wait until my little princess fell asleep and then I ate so then I sat up and played puzzle games while my food digested.
I have a raging headache. I am stiff and sore, and sitting in a horribly awkward position.
This week is also his birthday and I get to cap off the week with my sister's wedding. I amaze myself as each emotionally draining week ticks by and I'm not curled in a ball in the corner. I find that I keep referring to the other woman as his girlfriend. It seems to be the only way I can keep an edge on my anger. I mean we aren't fucking divorced yet and he has a girlfriend!!! What the fuck?
It is funny being around my father's family. They obviously have been updated to my personal situation and yet it never came up. My uncle did refer to me as a single parent at one point but that is about it. I am saddened by it and yet I breath a sigh of relief. My parents will be celebrating their 33rd anniversary in just under 2 weeks. Even as I sat this weekend hearing them bicker, sigh, and shake their heads at each other I was also aware of every time they reached out to touch hands or just lean closer to one another. Beautiful.
I was tortured a bit by christian rock on the drive. I keep wondering if my dad thinks that if I just finally found jesus everything would be all right. For a time there was also country weeping at me. It is all so sad and pathetic.
My brother made reference to my sister Sarah, getting married next weekend, wanting to be like the rest of us, coupled. I've been coupled for so long I don't remember life before. I closed out my evening sitting on the bed with my daughter, and my husband, recounting the mundane details of the weekend. It is too surreal to just sit in a quiet space like that with him, and yet it really isn't quiet because every hair on my body is on edge, my stomach tight, my brain screaming. He tried to hash out some details about time with the kids, which furniture would go where, and nicely offered to run to the store for me. Late sunday after a weekend car trip not the time you know? Why can't he figure that stuff out? I suppose I am rambling so. My thoughts are all over the place. Time for sleep. Buenos Noche!