New wounds to my soul
Sadly my blog has become a running tally of all the horrendous things that keep happening during this horrific breakup.
1. He is spending time with his new girlfriend, with our baby in tow. This breaks me heart beyond belief. He essentially told me he is doing it because I demanded that he not. He says I should trust his judgement. First, that is a ridiculous request at this point and time. Secondly, it has nothing to do about judgement. It is completely emotional. I do not want someone who has wounded me so profoundly to enjoy beautiful moments with either of them.
2. Apparently her baby is also an infant, around 6 months. I shouldn't be so shocked but I am. It has crossed my mind that maybe it is his too. Then I realize, based on her attitude when we spoke, that had it been I am SURE she would have let me know. Yet, I don't ask.
3. He has moved out. I wonder if it is in the complex where she lives but I dare not ask.
4. He took our bed. His bed. This was my idea but he opposed it but then took it. How do you have a home when you have no bed? I am sure they fucked on it the very first night. He's also taken an extra pillow.
5. He is taking condoms from our house to screw another woman. He left one. It had to be on purpose. He doesn't seem to get that these repeated, even if thoughtless, behaviors tear at me like a rabid dog. I lose the ability to breath. I stalk around the house unable to have any reactions except "there is nothing I can do".
6. Her stuff is growing in his car. Little stamps that now he is hers. A scrunchy little pony tail hanging from his rear view mirror. I wanted to take it while he was in the house and just dispose of it.
There is no retaliation for me. I keep my head low and focus on the day to day. Each day growing angrier and angrier at the unfairness. The stomach tightening, sleeplessness, holding my breath feelings in the beginning are now replaced with sick, hot waves of what? coming over me. I hit the wall the other night. Those who know me well know I do not lash out physically. Well in ways I guess that isn't true because I have hit Scott on occasion or two. I am always surprised when it happens, and it is never satisfying because in that instance he is angry at the action, rightfully. I guess I always expect though that he would understand that I feel so violated at that point.