Why?
Why is it that I feel the need to have all my questions answered? Why do I need to completely devastate myself so that I can be done with something that is so obviously over? Some moments of some days I realize that maybe I am not doing so poorly. The thought of living in an environment with furniture of my choosing, menus of my choosing, decorations of my choosing outweighs my fears of never finding love, of never having enough money or energy to give my children a good life, of never living life, albeit briefly. When those moments of space grant me serenity I tend to run back to the dark. Obsessing over text messages, emails, details of his day quite literally makes me sick.
I had more to this entry and then it did something weird. I don't recall the last 2 sentences I had written.
I keep wondering if today will be the day I break what little bit of self respect is hanging out there and steal his keys, order transcripts of his text messages, hack into accounts. Then I ask myself what will it solve? Will I feel better about losing him? Will I gain any real insight into where this all came from? Will I feel like shit for breaking the vow I made to myself to never cross these types of lines again? I have to remind myself that while obsessing about the possibility of doing this is torture I can take some comfort knowing I am the better person by not doing any of this. But then I really want to!
I want to start calling him nasty names too. I want to leave my kids with family and track down his every move. I want answers is the truth of all of it. I want to know how he's presenting this whole situation to his family, his friends, his "girlfriend". I want to know how he's always had women somewhere just waiting to be his option. I want to know how I became one of those women without realizing it. How I let the label of girlfriend, fiance, wife blind me. I want to know when I became not good enough in bed. I want to know when his unhappiness started. I want to know who he spoke with about it. I want to know when he'll feel bad about any of this. I want to trap him in lie after lie after lie until he finally realizes what? I do not know. It is dark outside, the sky heavy with rain clouds. I am so tired of the dark.
I guess I'll close. I feel I have more to say but I think it falls into another entry of its own.