Today - Really Yesterday
Today turned out to be kind of anti-climactic. Maybe just acknowledging that today/this week might be difficult and taking the day for myself helped. I swear at one point this morning, after the gym, that I actually felt good, and that of course felt odd because I thought today would be reserved for mourning. I think that had we had had a "real" wedding I might have tortured myself pouring over momentos. Or if we had been married several years I would have compared previous celebrations to this. But I have no comparisons, only unrealized dreams. My therapist recommended that I really acknowledge what today SHOULD have meant and kind of say good by to it. We even talked about some specific rituals I could carry out. I really thought I would spend last night/today reading previous letters, writing new ones, looking for thinks to bury/burn destroy. I then thought I would fill the day with simplistic tasks, insert some clever quote about cleaning and healing. Instead I did nothing, and I guess that is ok too. I even made it most of the day without tears. Of course that all went down the drain when he tried to call. I couldn't even answer the phone. Eventually he text messaged me and it was just common stuff about our son. I mean what else did I expect? I wouldn't even know what I would want his reaction to be. Of course that's not really true. I would really just like to know that he even knows what today is.
I realize that I guess I've come to terms with what he has done. I've had a lot of time to see how he operates, what his routines are, how he deals. He did what he did to get out and that's that. What I don't know if I'll ever be able to resolve is the way he destoyed all the past. Every reference to GA or CA or TN hurts. All the pictures of our past wound. But more than the distant past it is just this recent incarnation of our relationship. I am still just so stunned. I really thought we'd turned a corner. I really thought we were on the same page. I really don't know how I was so blind. But then again that is because of all the horrible stuff he's said about our marriage particularly. Something my sister said when we told her we'd eloped "how she wanted to be there to see our faces when we were sharing our vows" or something like that. I can still remember so clearly the little crinkle/twinkle in his eyes when he was saying his vows to me. I SO want to believe that I did not imagine that, that it was exactly what I thought it was, love. But I don't see how 1+1 can possibly equal 2 in this equation. I guess I could go on and on about what I thought this or that meant and how now I just see it as something questionable but I'll just say that these are the kinds of things that kill me. These are the things I feel I'll never resolve. I am stunned with how much has transpired in such a short time. I guess keeping that in mind is actually a good thing. And ultimately I do feel I'm rounding some corner. Besides the obvious fun of the holidays and probably my son's next birthday (essentially the 1 yr anniversary of my betrayal) there won't be too many firsts related specifically to this whole mess (I'm pretending future relationship crap and whatever else I'm spacing right now won't be heart wrenching). God, if only I could stay this gullible.
Can I just say that Friends is on in the background, and Monica and Chandler are getting married. Ironic.
I am feeling so disjointed. I started drafting this entry while nursing my daughter to sleep and now I am scattered and bleary-eyed. I've decided I can't let it slip by. I'm sending him a good night fuck you message. Sparking that anger always shakes off the woe is me crap.
I realize that I guess I've come to terms with what he has done. I've had a lot of time to see how he operates, what his routines are, how he deals. He did what he did to get out and that's that. What I don't know if I'll ever be able to resolve is the way he destoyed all the past. Every reference to GA or CA or TN hurts. All the pictures of our past wound. But more than the distant past it is just this recent incarnation of our relationship. I am still just so stunned. I really thought we'd turned a corner. I really thought we were on the same page. I really don't know how I was so blind. But then again that is because of all the horrible stuff he's said about our marriage particularly. Something my sister said when we told her we'd eloped "how she wanted to be there to see our faces when we were sharing our vows" or something like that. I can still remember so clearly the little crinkle/twinkle in his eyes when he was saying his vows to me. I SO want to believe that I did not imagine that, that it was exactly what I thought it was, love. But I don't see how 1+1 can possibly equal 2 in this equation. I guess I could go on and on about what I thought this or that meant and how now I just see it as something questionable but I'll just say that these are the kinds of things that kill me. These are the things I feel I'll never resolve. I am stunned with how much has transpired in such a short time. I guess keeping that in mind is actually a good thing. And ultimately I do feel I'm rounding some corner. Besides the obvious fun of the holidays and probably my son's next birthday (essentially the 1 yr anniversary of my betrayal) there won't be too many firsts related specifically to this whole mess (I'm pretending future relationship crap and whatever else I'm spacing right now won't be heart wrenching). God, if only I could stay this gullible.
Can I just say that Friends is on in the background, and Monica and Chandler are getting married. Ironic.
I am feeling so disjointed. I started drafting this entry while nursing my daughter to sleep and now I am scattered and bleary-eyed. I've decided I can't let it slip by. I'm sending him a good night fuck you message. Sparking that anger always shakes off the woe is me crap.