life of uncertainty

I feel very conflicted about my feelings these days. Sometimes I wonder if I'm coping or if I'm denying or if I'm glossing. I guess it is all normal. I feel like a new evangelist or something. I want to spout all this wisdom I feel like I've learned over this last year but on so many levels I don't want to follow it. I've noticed that it is so very hard to be around happy people, couples in general. I miss all the familiarity of a random touch, of all the familial labels. I still get a kick out of being able to refer to him as my husband, even as it injures. I want everyone to be happy, to be living their true potential. I want the universe not to work the way it does. I don't want hindsight to be 20/20, I don't want people to have to walk a mile in my shoes to understand. I want all my agony to be for some better good and not just for myself but to be contained in a bottle so I can inject or spray all those around me.

As I reread this I guess this IS positive. If I retain and really learn how to use it. How to be open and nonjudgemental. How to cherish the small moments. How to set my boundaries. How to slow down. How to work on myself and not seek out in my neediness.

It's on the verge of a year since my whole world turned upside down. My view out my window totally captures the day to day. Bright, sunny, dry inviting one moment. Stormy, wet, cold, dark the next. I know you have to have one to appreciate the other but I'm tired of not being able to hold on to the sun. I'm tired of carrying around this anger, I'm tired of all the hurt, sadness and yet I guess I'm at a crossroad because I'm afraid to let it go. Because then I'll have to face the emptiness?

I'm not done caring. I'm not done hoping. I'm not done trying to make him the person I see in my mind's eye and it is all holding me back. I think I've moved to the point where I really get that this isn't temporary but then I see the small holes in my story.

I'm a crier if you don't know that already and yet I haven't done so much lately. I guess maybe I did so much in the early days. Maybe jumping right into counseling from the onset is helping more than I realize? I guess I'm just scared. And maybe I'm too scared to admit that I'm scared about the future, about moving on, about rediscovering self and so I tell myself that I'm not REALLY coping, not REALLY letting my feelings out. Always trying to make something wrong with myself.

I need to remind myself this isn't such a linear path. I need to remember that how I feel today really means nothing until the next life event. But there I said it again, there is always some kind of baited breath. I guess letting go of this grief is so hard because it is ALL i have left of that life. I have expressed this SO many times, a couple here even, I know I need to write it all out but I keep making excuses. I need to really say my piece, and not just to the imagined audience, but it is time to start finding the appropriate words, semi appropriate at least, to the intended audience. I'm afraid that moving on will somehow let him, others, forget the depth of what transpired here. And I get that that is the point, that somewhere down the road this will be less painful, less acute but it will always be THIS transformative for me. I guess I'm still at square one in so many ways, I don't care that someday taking the higher road will be comforting or whatever pleasant word you want to insert. I care that I had to suffer. I don't meant to insinuate that I'm above suffering or that there hasn't been some suffering on his part but do you know what I mean? I don't even know what I mean anymore.