life of uncertainty

I'm blogging, begrudgingly. I feel so uninteresting but let me share it with you.

I realized this weekend that as we approach, in days, the anniversary of the beginning of the end of my marriage that I'm finally able to think of myself as single. I've lived apart from my spouse for 9 months now. We are not legally separated or anything yet. I've held on to hope that maybe it would be true, maybe he'll realize he's a dolt and come back. It isn't likely.

I bought a new shirt this weekend. I also bought a self-help book, calendars, kitchen supplies and finally tamales at Costco. I saw a Guns N' Roses cover band this weekend. It was surprisingly fun. Earlier in the week I was digging through a storage tub of momentos dating back to high school. I found "love letters" from my ex. A lot of sorted emotions of course came from that but I did finally get an inkling that maybe, some day, I might actually believe he loved me once. It is small but I'll take what I can get these days.

I guess I feel more like crying than I've been admitting to myself. I thought I might finally write something here that wasn't related to my lost love relationship. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.