Down Under
I can feel that I am getting more bouncy, really. I can. I guess as the highs get higher it is inevitable that the lows feel really far down?
My soon? to be ex informed me last night that he is pursuing some sort of hook up with some person half way around the world. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm self hating. I'm perplexed. I'm swollen.
I know there is some progress, the "why can't he do it for me" stuff came much later after everything had sunk in and is only very slightly hanging on rather than drowning me. But what happens next I'm not sure will ever go away. The "why can't he do it for me" has mutated to "why can't he do it for them". And while I can't say that I'll ever forgive what he did to me that seems more likely than me forgiving him for what he's doing to his children. I try to focus on what I'm doing to/for my kids and that I DO have a lot to offer and that I can counteract a lot of it but it still pisses me off. How was I so blind? What did I really think he had to offer as a father? Father, father, father!!!! (He hates that word) For him I think it was an opportunity to procreate, make some sort of personal statement about the one that has new parents, and to feel like he surpassed his father in the games. I know I shouldn't be analyzing him. But honestly, when your father is a deadbeat it isn't that hard to pull ahead, and when you do it still takes you leaps and bounds to be in the front running for Father of the Year!
Why and how I really got to this position really has me searching. I guess it really came about when I got pregnant with miss Z. I was all hormonal and giddy about having a baby and even though in shock about the logistics of it all I just plunged ahead and somewhere along the way got myself in a very oblivious zone. And now I'm in this trap of not wanting to be a bitch, not wanting to be immature but really no matter how many of the loving, healthy, important people in my life tell I'm not if he thinks it I'm stuck. Is this all really just about appearances? Am I really that bothered that some stranger that I will likely never meet might take his side and find me offensive, bothersome, pathetic? Yes, yes, and yes!
I've said on many occassions that it really hurts that I've lost my title. I was so giddy about having the husband/wife labels and I really never thought I would be. "This is my son, E. This is my daughter, Z and this is... J". I can't really say that I'll be excited to hear ex-wife inserted before my name but at least it is something. It does bring up the interesting last name thing for me. I won't ever do that again, I'm looking forward to regaining my name. Interesting how easily I gave my offspring his. I just assumed that the automatic connection I had for my children would be there between the kids and S too. Oh the assuming...
I don't have regrets (many at least) but how things would have been different if that decade ago when our sexual incapatability reared its head I'd walked away. Or the times he came home drunk and I cried in my friend's bed I'd walked away. Or the time I called it quits on that street corner and then begged him to take me back he'd said no... It is a sad, sad pattern of clinging to some false sense of feeling special when he wanted me and being left with my own demons when he didn't that I hope to learn and grow from. Even now I want to be wanted for all the wrong reasons. I guess this really is the beginning of digging out of the hole. sigh...
Here is a photo of the munchkin and me. Hopefully soon I'll have access to other photos taken by the group and can post a team photo. We enlisted a third party to take some group shots but apparently he was not technologically savy because he only managed to capture 1 of 4 shots he supposedly took. Oh well 