life of uncertainty

I've been swimming around in this world of incredible pain, sorrow, resiliance, comraderie with these families that have suffered the loss of so, so many children. I've expressed to many that maybe it has become a bit obsessive but I'm so incredibly moved by the human spirit. Fascinated by the way our society ranks importance. Saddened at how unprepared we usually are for the pain of others. Grief is grief, it is immeasurable, it is the worst it has ever been in that moment and sometimes forever.

I'm thankful for being a mostly-silent bystander who is able to look at my children differently, more respectful of all that I do have with them (even in the moments it seems I'm oblivious). I'm glad that I've learned to open my heart more. I feel like I've actually learned new depths of compassion if that is possible. I feel like I've learned to channel my natural empathy a bit so I am not all consumed by these incredibly emotional experiences but I've let my tears for these families, for these angels also help move me through the grief of the past year. And with today, the one year anniversary of the day my life as I knew it fell apart, I'm going to try to let it go.

Why? Because last night another little spirit left this world. Little A was born about 8 weeks ago. She was born at 27 weeks. She's been a little fighter all this time. Growing, thriving, surprising drs, touching lives. She's a friend's cousin's little girl. I've never met her in person. I've never met her parents but I've watched her grow. I've heard her status updates. I've seen the smiles she's brought to M's face. And I have "prayed" for her and her family. Hoping she would join the preemies in my life and grow big and strong and quite sprout like. Hoping that her parents J and K would never have to know the hurt I've been reading about this last year. I find I am quite devastated this morning at the news. It feels silly in some regards given how disconnected I am from this but this is the way I operate.

Because wasting another moment on a man who just doesn't know what he had is all just so trivial in this morning's light.

So I send as much love and healing as I can to these families. I hope that they find comfort where they can. I hope that their lives are filled with loved ones that are sensitive and compassionate. I hope that no one ever diminishes their grief, or their love for A. I hope that people are motivated to do great things in A's memory. I just have hope!

And I am going to keep that hope directed inward too. I'm going to stay focused on the positive. My friends, family, children. My good fortune to have a roof over my head, a job. The coming summer. I am going to be hopeful that I will continue to grow and thrive, and do great things to honor my children, to honor myself and to honor the families and angels that have helped me through this.

With that being said please take a little moment of silence for these angels

Thomas

Birdie

Natan

Alex and Travis

Sam and Jack

Charlotte

William

Maddy

Hannah

Callum

And all the others...

(And I apologize for any inproper blog ettiquette. Please let me know if you want any links removed. I couldn't find all your emails)