life of uncertainty

This has been simmering in my mind's back left burner for some time. I haven't been sure the proper venue, proper medium but today's the day because the juxtaposition has reached it's crescendo.

Since my pregnancy with my son 8 years ago I've been at odds with my body, society at large and the medical community. Well not since my pregnancy, maybe since always but definitely spotlighted once I had a child growing inside of me. God, I can already tell this will be an interesting adventure getting this all out because my head is spinning.

Like P, I am not sure where my thoughts of midwifery came about exactly. I guess by the time I was pregnant with my son I had already met Holly so it probably started somewhere back then. I remember her giant round table in her school and the beautiful pictures of babies, bellies, belly casts and belly art. Funny how my near total rejection of femininity for so long has turned to such adoration. I do remember reading an article about a home water birth in some magazine while pregnant with E. It sounded so appealing and yet I thought not for me. Again like P, I tied it somehow as the necessity for uninsured and yet as a luxury for people that owned their own homes and had spiritual/revitalizing living spaces. I felt convinced that my little one bedroom apartment was not the place for a water birth. With this conviction I felt that a CNM was my best bet, I thought it would isolate me from the typical medical births I feared and also give me the protection of that back up MD and assauge the worries of friends and family.

Long story short, as this is not really the point, having a nurse-midwife did not give me many of those things. My weight was treated during my pregnancy, decisions were made in kind, and I had an induction before due date that led to cesarean that led to a 2nd cesarean. I struggle with all that this has meant in my life. I still question the what ifs, the what maybes, I still mourn. I still wish I had know better, then. Spring forward to 2005 and I'm pregnant again. This time I swear it will be different. I will not let someone decide for me what my body can and can't do. I have hope. And I have a great allies, great support. Through my dear friend Gabrielle I've met someone who will be a great resource and support on this journey, and actually I meet lots of amazing women and organizations along the way but I'm speaking of my midwife, P. It has been life changing really. I've enjoyed learning, being challenged, meeting unattended birth super moms, witnessing the arrival into the world of darling Clem. I found a power to stand up for myself and demand that people look past my size and my "weaknesses" and give me a chance. I faced fears and I put in the effort. It is the beginning on a new path. I still suckle at the bits of information dangled in front of me, always a bit timid to really sink my teeth in. I still balk at things that seem too "out there" but even that is a learning experience. I feel like informed choice, trusting birth, using intuition, making choices for my specific family are all things I've always embraced. I've long let being open-minded=non-judgemental but I'm learning those aren't the same and working towards letting my judgements fall the the way side. It has been hard to drop the judgements, especially of myself. It is hard sometimes to know if I'm doing what I'm doing to repair the replaying of the past events or out of a true desire to support and awaken new minds. It is both I suppose.

and then comes the other side of the coin. Also through P I "met" E. I was shaken to my core over both the beauty and the tragedy of her life with her daughter. It isn't often I'm up against that kind of pure white hot emotion, in the written word of a stranger. And I dived into this community as I've mentioned before. On top of all I've learned about myself, parenting and counting my blessings I've learned so much about these people. I've learned how grieving is the same and yet very different. I've learned about new sensitivities and complexities. I've been exposed to birth, death and everything in between. I've seen the way we label everything to include and exclude, the way we place value on # of weeks, # of hours, # of children. My heart breaks. I want to jump up and down and shout about how I wouldn't be that type of friend/family member to dismiss and ignore, and that I would be that friend that continues to ask about your babies, continues to remember that this date or that may be difficult for you. I read about these "freak" accidents, conditions, infections and I feel the suffering and it all feels so senseless. And it is. And my mind starts to spin, I feel pulled from one camp to another. Do I trust my body or do I trust that bodies fail? I know it isn't as black and white as that and I know that they are more related as well. And please forgive me now if you've lasted this long because these are just thoughts, internal struggles, wisps of ideas I'm trying to sort for myself. Is all this more about our culture's way of dealing with death than it is about birth? But they are so intertwined so... For today, maybe it is as cynical as the medical perpetuating myths and hiding truths? If only so simple. I've been reading here and I am wowed. There is such beauty that has grown from the grief. And I am loving the provocative soul searching that inspires in me. Today in particular spurned the entry that has been brewing for so long. As the day, and a lunch break, have worn into the day I'm losing cohesive thoughts. I feel I'm floundering in the final stretches but they certainly are the least formulated parts or the entry wouldn't be necessary.

I wish that I could have a great big get together and get all these women together. I'd like to hear the ongoing dialogue between us all. I'm curious what one stance feels about the other. And I'm not looking for arguing, heated debate, low blow "I'm right, you're wrong" type stuff. True dialogue, true give and take. I feel like "both sides" (for lack of a better way to distinguish) are really on the cusp of very powerful, important changes to the way our society lives.

Because I don't know who exactly will read this or when please know I am not opening up my space, or those I've linked to hurtful, extremist messages or bashing. This is all meant very respectfully in my mind. I am just curious and searching and honoring those I think have value to us personally and society in large. And this entry was written free form and unedited with the exception of making sure the links work in case something is just plain unintelligible. Everything starts small right?