life of uncertainty

Only 37 more minutes until the weekend starts. Yippee! It is suppose to be warm all weekend and I'm looking forward to it. I think mostly because today was already supposed to be like day 2 or 3 of HOT weather and it seems to have come in more slowly than thought. Even if it it comes in like a lion at least it will only be 2 days until more air conditioned office work. Yay?

And now for your regularly scheduled end of the week finale...

A huge shout out to G for her wonderful idea to take the kids for ice cream. It was yummy and a total delight to watch them devouring that soft serve deliciousness. Sorry it ended with H getting hurt

I've been staying up until the wee hours watching mindless television and having some personal time. I think maybe I'm getting a little old that I can still laugh myself silly at late night talk show appearances by the likes of Robin Williams and Dana Carvey. It seems a common thread with one comedian interviewing another that they just throw out topics for the other to rift off of. Whatever, I enjoy it.

It has been 1 year and almost 4 months since I've had sex. For the foreseeable future nothing is going to change that. There are no words really. Let's just say I am definitely not the master of my domain. Or am I? Damn! My Seinfeld knowledge is failing me

Debating how I want to spend the little cash I have this pay period. I imagine if I sat down and figured out my bills and such I'd realize I don't actually have any cash to spend but dinner out, the Saturday market and one, possibly 2 trips to the World Beat festival are all tempting me. Staying busy is the best way to ignore the heat I think.

I'd love to spend it swimming but alas can't figure how to manage two non-swimmers in the pool and keep my scarred forehead out of the sun.

I have a 3 day week next weekend and I can barely stand it. I will be so busy at work on Monday it isn't even funny.

I planned on being a bit more entertaining or witty or something else but I am hurrying to do too many things before the clock strikes 5.

My brain appears to be fried... hope ya'll out there have a good one!

Posted by Hennifer at 03:49 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Today's just one of those days were nothing feels quite right.

I went to bed early but woke up exhausted

I played silly games and read books to my daughter

then I rushed for 20 mins to find the keys

she'd lost

I've eaten more peanuts than one should, it has been hours and I'm

still not hungry but feel I should eat

I'm being productive but feel I'm moving through mud

Life seems rough, all these channel negotiations

I'm feeling painfully aware of my inability to really read people? I feel mistrustful of my instincts

The weather is nice but it seems to have lost its ability to lighten my mood.

Weight gain is staring me in the face, belly, arms, ass

Should I be taking this much pleasure in these varying justifications?

BTW, I wouldn't trade those games in bed this morning

with my girl in case you were

wondering

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Randomness

~ Thank, thank you Jacob for coming and giving me some much needed personal interaction in my medicated, post surgery state. Sorry I unceremoniously dismissed you when realized I was TOO out of it to be in anyone's company

~ Thanks to Jen/Jacob for the shirts for E. He thought they were "so cool!"

~ Why is Los Baez's guacamole SO freaking good?

~ Cuteness: Miss Z nursing her baby doll

~ Thank you G and company for lovely mimosas, food and fun yesterday!

~ Yay for having stitches removed!

~ PSA - Wear your sunscreen and/or your floppy hats and oversized sunglasses

~ I finally purchased a new bag and I'm in love with it but am weirded out because it is so unlike me.

~ I've realized, at this particular time in my life that "first kisses" by nature passionate, tender and tentative make me cry. Deep, chest lurching tears; even when they are cinematic unrealities. I'm not in any place, or hurry, to rejoin the single world but I miss intimacy. (even the lousy excuse for it I apparently had)

~ Bravo for C for having an even better memory for small details than I do. I love it!

~ I've realized that I am a wall flower, a joiner, a follower, a coveter, a hanger-on-er, and I think I'm starting to be ok with that in an "embrace it so I can love it then leave it" kind of way.

~ George Carlin died? How is this possible?

~ I think I ran out of randomness

Posted by Hennifer at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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*sunshine*sandals*tamales*combining errands to save gas*payday*paying off a loan*Friday the 13th*3 wks until your meeting a beautiful baby girl*happy nuggets*organic lemonades *cherries* podcasts*heating pads*sending off job applications*walking*week 56*noticing beautiful plants

A word of thanks to Tash for the Italy website tip. I enjoyed purusing their site and actually put some 21st century technology to use and listened to some podcasts yesterday. Ironically they live just a few hours drive from me.

In answer to your question we aren't sure yet were we are going. We know this much: we both love the coast, we will be traveling way northeast to see a friend in Slovenia, I adore the landscape in the movie Stealing Beauty (Tuscan essentially from imbd film credits), everyone seems to love Florence, even myself apparently but I really don't recall, Milan and shopping is right up the girl's alley, neither of us have anything "tourist-y" exactly in mind except I have always been fascinated by Pompeii.

For me I just know I will soak in anything and everything no matter where I am. I felt the same way about my first trip to New York City. I was just happy to be there. If you tell me you want me to see something I'll try, if you take me to see it I'll appreciate it because you love it and I'll learn as I go.

My love affair with Italy started somewhere in the junior high years with a Harle.quin romance book. I literally cannot believe that I'm drawing a blank on the title. I still have it. I read it every few years. What struck me about the book was that she was a dark-haired, dark-eyed, short curvaceous thing in a sea of tall blonde beauties in her family and she always thought she was ugly until some fabulous older, mature wife of a business associate took her under her wing in Italy and taught her what womanly meant outside of her show business family in the States. I loved that in the book she ran away to Italy to mend a broken heart and found herself. And I loved the way the book described all the beautiful undergarments and fabrics and colors. If you know me you know I'm not short, I'm certainly not blonde and I have never been a fashion maven so...

I just want to be outside my head, outside my comfort zone and enjoy blissful days with someone I love. And if the scenery, food, history, language, music, wine happens to be Rome or Milan or Sicily or Naples or some small farm or some small beach I'm sure it will be just what I imagined and more.

ETA: Some Sort of Spell is the book. Published March 1988. Thank you Amazon! You can't learn much about the book of course but I did learn that it is cited in a book called "How to have an Orgasm... As often as you want"  Way to go Harle.quin

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I am oh so sleep deprived and at some point I'm sure I will feel tired. I bought beverages and food on the way in in preparation. I've had chai, a bit of power.ade and a strawberry banana smoothie. Now I'm pedaling the water, water, water!

I just want to say that it has been a brilliant monday so far just because I'm awake and here but it has been enhanced by all the wonderful blog entries of my friends and most have been visual. I'm in love and am green with envy.

For now I'll leave you with this...

activated my new cell phone yesterday.

my old phone was over 4 years old and had brain freeze and set off an alarm at 3:40 and 4:05 pm every single day! This is it, in red. Pretty but it will be a while before I can use it properly I think  

Today this really spoke to me.

I have been in love with this family of circles for some time; not the Kandinsky specifically but this use for the divine shape. Years ago a friend gave me this wonderful black fabric with multi-colored circles of all shapes and colors. I keep it tucked safely away until I figure out the perfect use for it. It has to be something that I can use and admire and other can admire but it can't be something that will wear out too quickly, or something I'm likely to transport and lose anywhere. And I'm totally sewing/fabric illiterate so I can't tell you what the fabric is and therefore what the most practical types of concoctions could be constructed. Oh, and I certainly don't know how much of the fabric I have. I will spare you as I could go one. Anyway, said friend made a blanket when my daughter was born. It is fabric in the same vein, black background, delicious bold circles, all trimmed in satin-y orange ribbon. I do not believe this will be her blanket other than in name.

I've been wanting to take pictures of this fabric but I am so limited beyond text in this blogworld.

So thank you G for the lovely Kandinsky. I coo over it and the Rothko on your blog daily. Today I make it mine.

Posted by Hennifer at 11:34 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

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Lista felice

-L'Italia

-blu

-cerchi

-mattine piene di sole

-film

-agrume

-fragole

-galleggiamento

-lettura

-salmoni

-lingue

-musica

-venerdi

-quiche

-amici

I was at the mercy of dictionary.com's translator so I hope these are correct - Italy, blue, circles, sunny mornings, movies, citrus, strawberries, floating, reading, salmon, languages, music, fridays, quiche, friends

Posted by Hennifer at 01:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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In approximately 57 weeks I will be traveling to Italy with my bestest friend in the whole world, the girl. We will be celebrating nearly 20 years of friendship and we are going to have a GRAND time. Starting today I'm going to be giving weekly and eventually daily updates of how this plan all comes together.

Why start today you may ask yourself? I'll tell you why any way ::she rolls her eyes::

Because today with tearful acknowledgement, I realize while showering that this will the first BIG thing of my life that I've planned. I never planned when or if to have children, I never planned to let 10 years of my life slip by in a relationship that gained me little, I never planned a career path. Nothing have I ever planned beyond shopping lists and daily tasks. Maybe you could say I planned my climb out of debt hell but I certainly never planned the slide into it.

So the first seeds have actually been planted, not just talked about. We've thrown out some locations, I've perused some travel books online and I've started the countdown.

I hope you'll stay tuned for the journey because I love it when a plan comes together! Yes, I did purposefully reference the A-Team

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The suppression of tears is so interesting to me... They run so freely sometimes and others they sit there, a growing lump in my heart center. For me I guess it is always that extra edge that makes its presence known, the one that says if you start crying now it may never stop. Logically I know they will but the damage might already be done: the strange look from acquaintances, saying things out loud I will regret later, the puffy eyes, the raw nose, contemplating where these tears really come from and when they will stop for good, the total exhaustion of all this baggage I must endure.

So I hold them in, waiting for a more appropriate time. I mean I have the tools whenever I'm ready to bring them on: movies, music, friends to talk to, stories to read, the news to watch but I just keep putting it off, and off, and off...

Then we get to where I am today. I've been holding them back for several weeks now I guess. I let some slip out now and again. I cried during the news the other day (why I was even watching it I'm not sure). I have a 100% guaranteed movie waiting to help me in my endeavor, just sitting there on my television racking up late fees and yet I refuse to put it in.

Instead I sit at work and hold back tears when I listen to music, I jolt aware when I realize I'm about to cry at the book I'm reading, 548 pages in. I struggle to get through the day, wondering how I'm going to make the night and not turn these unshed tears in to shouts or lethargy or worse.

Surely as the seasons are changing I'm feeling these stirrings within me. Am I willing to give up the comfort of the routine of all this? "I think so", I say as I swallow back more... but maybe tomorrow.

Posted by Hennifer at 09:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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