life of uncertainty

The suppression of tears is so interesting to me... They run so freely sometimes and others they sit there, a growing lump in my heart center. For me I guess it is always that extra edge that makes its presence known, the one that says if you start crying now it may never stop. Logically I know they will but the damage might already be done: the strange look from acquaintances, saying things out loud I will regret later, the puffy eyes, the raw nose, contemplating where these tears really come from and when they will stop for good, the total exhaustion of all this baggage I must endure.

So I hold them in, waiting for a more appropriate time. I mean I have the tools whenever I'm ready to bring them on: movies, music, friends to talk to, stories to read, the news to watch but I just keep putting it off, and off, and off...

Then we get to where I am today. I've been holding them back for several weeks now I guess. I let some slip out now and again. I cried during the news the other day (why I was even watching it I'm not sure). I have a 100% guaranteed movie waiting to help me in my endeavor, just sitting there on my television racking up late fees and yet I refuse to put it in.

Instead I sit at work and hold back tears when I listen to music, I jolt aware when I realize I'm about to cry at the book I'm reading, 548 pages in. I struggle to get through the day, wondering how I'm going to make the night and not turn these unshed tears in to shouts or lethargy or worse.

Surely as the seasons are changing I'm feeling these stirrings within me. Am I willing to give up the comfort of the routine of all this? "I think so", I say as I swallow back more... but maybe tomorrow.